Sunday, May 31, 2009
To prevent bad posture and to lessen the wear and tear of your eyes, Saturday, May 30, 2009
Random Word Writing Contest #7
Write a paragraph or two using the following random words:
letter, glacier, glue, hand sanitizer
Entries may be poetry, prose, fiction, essays or interviews.
(or any other form of creatively written expression.)
Just be funny, clever and theological...
and give your piece a TITLE.
The winner will be announced on June 5th
The winner will be announced on June 5th
and will be awarded a
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.
They make a great paper airplane!
Two Angry Men Write What's Wrong
Well, some may have noticed that two followers of Calvinistic Cartoons have ripped up their membership cards and left. Usually, I never know why...but, this time both of these men wrote me to tell me what was wrong and why they left. I appreciate that. The first letter is from Bosco Levene of Splattertown, Missouri. The second letter is from Tahoe McFern of Bladderville, New Mexico:
Dear Mr. Eddings,
I have entered your Caption Contests over and over again and YOU deleted my entries. All my friends and family said I should sue you because it is clear that my jokes are worthy of awards.
My first entry was for Contest # 14...the one where the dude is shielding the woman from another dude. Here is my caption:
"Get away from here, madman! I don't subscribe to your newspaper and I never will. So go far from the farm or I will kill you! I mean it now! GO!"
The second time I entered, I posted this caption (for Contest #15 - the one with the singing and the playing and the hat and the lady):
"I will kill you for singing off key! I really mean it! Don't make me get up from this piano bench and prove it...ya low-down, flea-bitten hobo of a man!"
The third one was for Contest #16...the one with the man on the floor and one of the other men is holding a whip:
"Take back what you said about my expensive clothes or I will kill you! I mean it! Here, take this! And this! Now, will you apologize for your insolence? No? Okay, doofus...here some more lashes from my whip!"
It's apparent to me you are one-sided, two-dimensional, and flat-footed! I leave and I will never return! I mean it! I'm not lying! ...oh, yeah, you are also a lousy speller!
Your cousin,
Boscoe
Dear Mr. Eddings,
I have entered your Caption Contests over and over again and YOU deleted my entries. All my friends and family said I should sue you because it is clear that my jokes are worthy of awards.
My first entry was for Contest # 14...the one where the dude is shielding the woman from another dude. Here is my caption:
"Get away from here, madman! I don't subscribe to your newspaper and I never will. So go far from the farm or I will kill you! I mean it now! GO!"
The second time I entered, I posted this caption (for Contest #15 - the one with the singing and the playing and the hat and the lady):
"I will kill you for singing off key! I really mean it! Don't make me get up from this piano bench and prove it...ya low-down, flea-bitten hobo of a man!"
The third one was for Contest #16...the one with the man on the floor and one of the other men is holding a whip:
"Take back what you said about my expensive clothes or I will kill you! I mean it! Here, take this! And this! Now, will you apologize for your insolence? No? Okay, doofus...here some more lashes from my whip!"
It's apparent to me you are one-sided, two-dimensional, and flat-footed! I leave and I will never return! I mean it! I'm not lying! ...oh, yeah, you are also a lousy speller!
Your cousin,
Boscoe
Dear Pea-Brain,
I joined your blog not knowing what a Calvinist was. As I read your attempts at humor, it suddenly dawned on me that you were serious about all this TULIP stuff! I am leaving because you attack other beliefs as well as your own...which proves to me you are insane! And your last posting was about WINE! ...also, Merlot looks a lot like "Merlin" who was a wizard! Are you condoning magic, witchcraft and drinking alcohol? Well, you "broke the straw" on the camel's back when you made fun of the Pope! What has he ever done to YOU?! I hope you drink milk that has gone sour! And then, bite into a donut that has ants crawling all over the insides. I am leaving and will create my OWN blog where no one says anything negative! I will call it..."A Blog for Those Who Have No Computers". And if I ever become king of England, I will have you banished to Rhode Island!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Caption Contest Winner #16
This is the winning caption byLet Us Repent and Believe
and a reminder to all that predestination includes everything!
For more captions that were predestined click here
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Caption Contest Winner #15
All I can say is...Let Us Repent and Believe!Take a look at the other suggestions for this
caption contest by clicking here!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Lyrical Miracles Chosen One # 9
Thanks Aaron for the fabulous song!
And like the depraved funeral director said to Dr. Kevorkian,
"Thanks for your patients!"
And like the depraved funeral director said to Dr. Kevorkian,
"Thanks for your patients!"
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Today in Church History (not entirely documented)
On May 24th, 1961, one of the few years you could turn upside down and it read the same, Robert Jeweller preached a sermon he reworked by Jonathan Edwards. “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God". Jeweller thought Edwards sermon was too harsh, so he radically modified it and called it, "Seekers Who Lack Self-Esteem in the Hands of a Full-Esteem Ahead God."
The most memorable part of the Edwards sermon was the analogy of the spider:
The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked: his wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire; he is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in his sight; you are ten thousand times more abominable in his eyes, than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours. You have offended him infinitely more than ever a stubborn rebel did his prince; and yet it is nothing but his hand that holds you from falling into the fire every moment. It is to be ascribed to nothing else, that you did not go to hell the last night; that you were suffered to awake again in this world, after you closed your eyes to sleep. And there is no other reason to be given, why you have not dropped into hell since you arose in the morning, but that God's hand has held you up. There is no other reason to be given why you have not gone to hell, since you have sat here in the house of God, provoking his pure eyes by your sinful wicked manner of attending his solemn worship. Yea, there is nothing else that is to be given as a reason why you do not this very moment drop down into hell.
The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked: his wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire; he is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in his sight; you are ten thousand times more abominable in his eyes, than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours. You have offended him infinitely more than ever a stubborn rebel did his prince; and yet it is nothing but his hand that holds you from falling into the fire every moment. It is to be ascribed to nothing else, that you did not go to hell the last night; that you were suffered to awake again in this world, after you closed your eyes to sleep. And there is no other reason to be given, why you have not dropped into hell since you arose in the morning, but that God's hand has held you up. There is no other reason to be given why you have not gone to hell, since you have sat here in the house of God, provoking his pure eyes by your sinful wicked manner of attending his solemn worship. Yea, there is nothing else that is to be given as a reason why you do not this very moment drop down into hell.
Robert Jeweller changed his sermon to this:
Somewhere in the forest a butterfly was beautifying a rose by posing atop it's petals. Her wings flapping to an unheard tune the trees seemed to be swaying to. A bee was humming to the melody of nature's symphony as he dipped inside a wonderfully painted forest flower that seemed delighted to have such a distinguished visitor. Bluebirds were singing, crickets chirping and a possum was laughing in the gentle breeze. Heaven seemed to be saying, "You're the most important creature in the woodlands...yes, you...and you...and you with the compound eyes." A man could be seen in the distance hugging a tree, then a cactus. The world started a song of joy and a doddle bug was rolling down the hillside, hoping for insect manna from above. "Everything is going to turn out okay for everyone", said the hummingbird to the dove. The clouds looked like purple cotton candy swirling in the dark blue sky. A storm was approaching. A storm of love.
Robert Jeweller was arrested later that day for jaywalking.
Caption Contest #18
Call it Caption Cartoon Week or Caption Cartoon Madness if you will, but this has been the most fun I've had since I started this blog. Thanks to your wit and good humor! Most of the time, I think of an idea I hope will get a laugh and wait for comments...these captions everyone has come up with for these contests have had me laughing out loud! The last time I remember laughing so much was when Dr. Fenton Mahoney was holding me upside down and I saw his face right after my delivery.
Here is one photo that should capture your imagination. The winner will be announced on May 31st or May 32nd...whichever comes first.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Today in Church History (we think)
On May 23, 1836, Charles G. Finney resigned as pastor of the Why The Long Face Presbyterian Church in New York City, and announced his intention to demit the ministry of the Presbyterian Church and to transfer his ordination to the Congregational Church.
When asked at his licensure exam in 1823 whether he subscribed to the Westminster Confession of Faith, Finney responded, "I had not examined it - This made no part of my study. If it's not a Pop-Up book I will have nothing to do with it!"
When asked at his licensure exam in 1823 whether he subscribed to the Westminster Confession of Faith, Finney responded, "I had not examined it - This made no part of my study. If it's not a Pop-Up book I will have nothing to do with it!"
When asked if he would consider playing the part of the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz stage production in Fresno, California, he said, "It's the part I was born to play, baby!"
From this point on, Finney just got meaner and meaner. He was known to sucker punch Calvinists and then shout, "There's your dose of predestination today!"
His request to be buried at sea in his scarecrow costume was denied by the Congregational Church Committee of Elders and Mathematicians.
Caption Contest #17
Here's is a photo I think will bring some serious laughter...that is, after YOU provide the caption. Please remember what Charles T. Spurgeon (no relation to Charles H. Spurgeon) once said, "Laughter can help you climb a mountain, and if you fall, it can help make the trip down a lot more enjoyable."
The winner of this contest will be announced on May 30th
Friday, May 22, 2009
Today in Church History (maybe)
Today in Church History: Harry Emerson "Fearless" Fosdick
On May 22, 1924, Harry Emerson Fosdick preached the famous sermon, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” from the pulpit of First Presbyterian Church in Walla Walla, Washington.
Although a licenced dog catcher, Fosdick was serving as the preaching minister of the prominent Fifth Avenue Candy Bar church, and his sermon has been generally regarded as the “Chucky Cheese” of the fundamentalist-modernist controversy in the Presbyterian Church. Though ostensibly a plea for tolerance, the widely distributed sermon served to warn fundamentalists that they could not “drive out from the Christian churches all the wacky preachers who love to mix it up with those who disagree with heretical views.”
In an earlier (1918) letter, J. Gresham Machen had described Fosdick’s preaching as “just dreadful! I can't believe this junk goes on in front of, outside and inside the Church. And to top it all off, he spits when he talks.” By 1923, Machen would emerge as modernism’s most formidable critic with the publication of Christianity and Liberalism. Fosdick, however, would recede from Presbyterian prominence. In 1925 he resigned his post because of multiple dog bites and a case of rabies, and in 1930 he became pastor of the newly built Sweet Potato Church in New York City.
On May 22, 1924, Harry Emerson Fosdick preached the famous sermon, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” from the pulpit of First Presbyterian Church in Walla Walla, Washington.
Although a licenced dog catcher, Fosdick was serving as the preaching minister of the prominent Fifth Avenue Candy Bar church, and his sermon has been generally regarded as the “Chucky Cheese” of the fundamentalist-modernist controversy in the Presbyterian Church. Though ostensibly a plea for tolerance, the widely distributed sermon served to warn fundamentalists that they could not “drive out from the Christian churches all the wacky preachers who love to mix it up with those who disagree with heretical views.”
In an earlier (1918) letter, J. Gresham Machen had described Fosdick’s preaching as “just dreadful! I can't believe this junk goes on in front of, outside and inside the Church. And to top it all off, he spits when he talks.” By 1923, Machen would emerge as modernism’s most formidable critic with the publication of Christianity and Liberalism. Fosdick, however, would recede from Presbyterian prominence. In 1925 he resigned his post because of multiple dog bites and a case of rabies, and in 1930 he became pastor of the newly built Sweet Potato Church in New York City.
In 1931, he was struck by lightning while chasing a chihuahua.
Caption Contest #16
The International Blog Police have contacted me about my site. They said that (1) My blog isn't really a blog. That unless it is in keeping with the International Checklist for Successful Blogging, I do not exist...and (B) Caption Contests should be banned from American soil.
Well, as long as I am paying ten thousand dollars a year to use this "freedom of blogging" right I have as an American citizen, I will continue to blog 'till the cows come home.
...wait a second, someone is at the door...it was a cow. But, not a real one! I spotted the zipper on the back and discovered two International Blog Policemen! I chased them off my property with my bo staff.
DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU PEOPLE! These IBP are nothing more than pagans trying to regulate what we Christians are publishing in cyber-space.
All that to say this...until I return home from Colorado. (I have to be back on the job Tuesday) I am trying to find the easy way to keep my blog going. The caption contests have been the most successful! I am exhilarated over the amount of comments and suggestions. So let the IBP do their worst! I WILL NOT STAND DOWN! CAPTION CONTESTS WILL CONTINUE!
The winner of this Caption Contest
will be announced on May, 29th
will be announced on May, 29th
No Contest
This is to inform all of you that there will be no contests today.
But prizes will be given to the winners.
But prizes will be given to the winners.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Caption Contest #15
Congratulations once again Let Us Repent and Believe!Your caption was selected by none other than
the Romans 9 Grenade!
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