The Bankruptcy of Atheism

Jack: Hey Ben, heard you got religion!
Ben: Well, not really...Jesus saved me and gave me a new life.
Jack: You gotta be kidding, man! There is no God!
Ben: Could I ask you a question?
Jack: Sure, go ahead.
Ben: Do you happen to know everything?
Jack: No dude, and neither do you!
Ben: You're right. But, what percent of TOTAL knowledge do you possess? Ten percent?
Jack: C'mon, man...no one has that much. I just read where scientists believe that we are on the fringe of knowledge. So, I know, like a small percentage of a portion of less than one percent!
Ben: Okay, let's just say you know ONE percent of EVERYTHING there is to know in the universe.
Jack: All right...for arguments sake...
Ben: Well, is it possible that God could exist outside your one percent of total knowledge?
Jack: Yes, theoretically, yes...
Ben: You're a most remarkable atheist then. Two minutes ago, you stated that there was no God, and now you say that it is possible there is one. Why don't you make up your mind?

(two days pass and Jack and Ben meet again - this time Jack has a friend with him)

Jack: Hey Ben, been thinking about our conversation. I think I used the wrong term. I'm not really an atheist. I'm an agnostic!
Ben: Congratulations!
Jack: You like that?
Ben: Yes, that's a lot better. You're in a stronger position because you are telling the truth - you just don't know! By the way, what kind of agnostic are you?
Jack: Are there different kinds of agnostics?
Ben: Yes, among agnostics there are two main denominations, the ordinary agnostic and the ornery agnostic.
Jack: What do you mean by that crack?
Ben: The ordinary agnostic claims, "I don't know there is a God or not!" but the ornery one says, "I don't know, you don't know, nobody knows, and nobody will ever know!" If you say you know that I don't know then I will ask you how you know that I don't know!
Jack: Look man, I quit right there! I'm just a plain, ordinary agnostic. Julian Huxley was a brilliant scholar, and he was an agnostic!
Ben: Granted, Huxley was a brilliant expert in his field, in biology. But, how could any man be brilliant in agnosticism, which means "not knowing"... I just took a course in hermeneutics. Do you know what hermeneutics is? No? Does your friend know what hermeneutics is? No? Neither of you know? Then which of the two of you is more brilliant in not knowing hermeneutics?
Jack: Man, I gotta go. We'll talk more later.
Ben: Sure, later on.

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #8

Supply the caption - Earn a certificate!
Winner will be announced February 7

The Journal of Cotton Adams #8

May 10, 1738

Preached my "Sermon on the Amount" in the town of Broken Plow to a congregation of eighty seven. I mentioned that the collection is a Church function in which many people take only a "passing" interest. Not one seemed to recognize the feeble attempt at humor. They continued to stare at me with emotionless, unblinking eyes. At the conclusion of my oration I exclaimed,

"Surely you should give at least one-tenth of all you earn to the Lord!"

A myriad of hearty "amens" echoed throughout the pine wood church building.

One of the more fervent members, Millman Babbage, cart-wheeled up to the pulpit, balanced himself on the hand-railing, and shouted,

"I say let's raise it to ONE-TWENTIETH!"

Someone in the back seconded the motion and it was made an official policy of the Broken Plow Christian Church before I had a chance to explain their error. Chaos broke loose.

No novel or play ever presented such vicissitudes and events as this frenzy which enacted itself for more than twenty five minutes. I had no control over the unexpected activity that followed. I decided it was time for me to depart from this madness. As I galloped off on my trusty steed, Calico, I looked back and saw Millman Babbage atop a human pyramid juggling live cats and singing at the top of his lungs. Then, to my horror, the volcano that was less than fifty feet from the town, erupted and filled the town with hot lava and a thick cloud of ash.

When things cool off a bit I intend to return.

Fan Photo from Hondo McMillen

Lyrical Miracles Chosen One #2

Congratulations Pilgrim Mommy!
Our next challenge is to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song"
(hint: find the lyrics on the internet, copy, paste, and change)
Read the rules first and write the song!
The chosen one will be announced on February 6th

It's a Scientific Fact!

When the Parachurch Paramecium invades a Sanctaloccocus Episcomoebius with their own brand of curriculum, the Sanctaloccocus Episcomoebius performs a cell division known as "binary fission".

Which indicates that these bacteria are either from Andy Taylor's ears or Opie Taylor's feet. "Binary fission" happens a lot in that part of the country. There are "fission holes" to be seen everywhere. Sometimes in Mayberry there will be signs posted that read, "Gone Fission." Let's just be thankful it wasn't from Otis Campbell or Howard Sprague!

Anyway, to get back to pure science, the division creates two new entities that go their own way. One is the road that leads to destruction. The other is the road to life. This is also referred to in the textbooks as, "Culture Wars". That's a lot like Star Wars, only with one-celled animals hogging the limelight.

It's a scientific fact!

Need a Staycation?

Didn't See This Coming!

Has anyone seen this program? I would like to know a few more details. It was aired during the Super Bowl so I don't think many watched it.

Caption Contest Winner #7

Again, ladies and gentlemen, it was a difficult decision. But one that was predestined to happen! This time the judging of the contest was done by a descendant of Cotton Adams himself...Clay Adams. Clay is a circuit rider who uses a Harley motorcycle to travel from town to town, spreading the Good News that Jesus was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, died on a cross, was buried and raised from the dead. I think we may publish a few of his journals here at Calvinistic Cartoons in the near future. Thanks everyone for your participation.

Click to here to read other great captions!

Hot Stuff

IMPORTANT TEST! PLEASE RESPOND

Nathan Bingham's comment is a great concern to me. I, in my ignorance, had no idea this blog appeared any different than what I see. Please read his statement:
"... just a comment regarding your formatting. For those readers who subscribe via RSS, our background is white and we therefore cannot read most of your posts as you select a plethora of colours, many very light.
This has meant that although I subscribe, I very rarely am able to read your posts, as I don't always have the time to click through to read them at your site."

Here is the test - and I need feedback from those who use RSS - let me know which of the colors listed below is easy to read (just list the letters in your response):

AAAAAaaaaa
BBBBBbbbbb
CCCCCccccc
DDDDDddddd
EEEEEeeeee
FFFFFfffff
GGGGGggggg
HHHHHhhhhh
IIIIIiiiii
JJJJJjjjjj

Random Word Writing Contest

There is a new contest in town and it's a fun one!
Write a paragraph or two using the following random words:

Preacher, tick, toothless, feet
Entries may be poetry, prose, fiction, essays or interviews. (or any other form of creatively written expression.) Just be funny. And give your piece a TITLE.

The winner will be announced on February 2nd and will be awarded a

Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.

(it's a certificate not unlike the other for captions...only different...but with your name plastered on the front)

If this goes well, I will reward myself with a visit to IHOP -

(the International House of Prayer).

Little Known Quotes from Spiritual Giants part 3

"Now where did I leave my trowel?"- C. H. Spurgeon


"Honey, would you hand me my Bible?" - John Owen


"That was a great muffin!"- John Calvin


"Yes dear, you can have a bite of my pizza."- Cornelius Van Til


"Anyone up for a game of Go Fish?" - A. A. Hodge


"I ain't swimmin' in THIS lake, that's for sure!"- Augustine


"I need to exercise a little more this year." - B. B. Warfield


"Yes, I plan on writing some sketches for the Sid Caesar Show. Why?." - C. S. Lewis


"Oh good, my toothache has gone away!" - Thomas Boston


"I would like an R.C. Cola please...and make it snappy!" - R. C. Sproul


"Anyone here afraid of ventriloquist dummies?" - William Carey


"I was predestined to say what I am saying right now." - A. W. Pink


(singing) "I married a nun. Which started the whole world laughing..." - Martin Luther


"It's sassafras tea for me!" - Jonathan Edwards


"Ben Franklin, you are one funny guy!" - George Whitefield


"I have never played Twister and I never will!" - John MacArthur

Unbalanced Preaching

Fan Photo from Edgar Allen Davis

Once more it appears certain Arminians are taking advantage of this blog site. Mr. Davis sent me this photo and the following email:
Eddie, just wanted you to know that I stumbled across this gallery in Vomitorium, Kansas. I recognized your work but didn't mention it to the owners as I struck up a conversation. I found out they were both 4 point Arminians who would like to see you serve twenty or thirty years in the slammer. One of the owners, Kipsy Mahoney, used to run a bingo parlor in the Vatican. The other, Leroy Montana, used to work at Circuit City. They both have criminal records and are at present hiding out from the police. I must say, I have never met two people more transparent. One even admitted to setting fire to an abandoned Root Beer warehouse in Topeka. Anyway, just thought you might like to know.

Please click on the photo for a larger view

The Journal of Cotton Adams #7

May 3, 1738
Here I am come to recruit my strength after being confined for a fortnight with gout and fever, more than usually severe. While I was laid up, I drifted into, what I feel was a demonic attack in my weakened condition. I could not tell what was real or what was delusional.
The McDoogals, a kind family of eighteen who found me by the water well, brought me in and cared for me. At night, when all was quiet, except for a barn owl and a distant coyote, demons seemed to parade in front of me as puppets...speaking to me in a frightening fashion and with wee voices that chilled my blood. Outside the trees took on forms almost human and Calico, my faithful horse, seemed to have strings holding up his frame.
Once my fever broke, I discovered I had been chewing on some "loco weed" as I was writing in my journal. The McDoogals fed me a hearty breakfast and we had church there in the homestead. Mrs. McDoogal packed me a lunch in a rather large sack and placed it in my saddlebags. I witness a strange smile on her face as I galloped away.
I arrived in the nearby town of Ha-weeka-tonka-heeky (a native name meaning "laughing cloud rain on picnic") the next day. While visiting with a pastor there, I found to my surprise that the McDoogals were a family of ventriloquists! Immediately I examined my "lunch" sack and found a dummy that looked like Benjamin Franklin! I made a solemn vow never to return and I still have nightmares to this day.
I also am wearing a loco weed patch on my arm to take away the craving.

And Then There Were 35

I had 36 followers an hour ago...and now 35. I suspect murder. There are many Arminians out there who are trying to rid the world of "those crazy Calvinists". Atheists who would like to see us six feet under or wearing cement shoes at the bottom of the ocean. Well, you are not going to get away with this! I know some people who know some people and they will stand with me on this issue. When one Calvinist falls, two will take his/her place. That you will see, fowl murderer...that you will see.

Evangelism Tip

Let me tell you the reason God decrees junk mail. I used to hate all the fat envelopes sent to me each day from who knows where...until, it hit me. The postage paid envelopes that were always enclosed were tract holders! I now pick those out, throw everything else away, and stuff a Gospel tract (usually one of my own) into them and send 'em off the next day! Somebody has to open it up...and somebody is predestined to read it. A great way to plant seeds (metaphorically speaking, of course). If you don't have a tract then write a note or enclose a verse of Scripture. Anyway you look at it, you can be a missionary and it doesn't cost you a dime! Selah my bruthas.

Lyrical Miracles Chosen One #1

All the great lyrics from all the great "song-righters" are only a click away!

Our next challenge is to the tune of "Singing in the Rain". Y'know Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds and Donald O' Conner. It's only the American Film Institute's number one pick for best musical. Remember to have it related to theological themes...good, bad or ugly. (Calvinism, Arminianism, crackpots or cults). The chosen one will be announced on January 3oth!
Lyricists...start your engines!

Off and Running