Friday, May 15, 2015

Excerpts from Nigel's New Book #8

"I am looking forward to being able to talk to the animals, so to speak. Of course, I talk to them now, but it doesn't do a lick of good. We will all be able to communicate with buffalo and wildebeest and underwater creatures such as the giant isopod. Flying is never a problem since gravity will be under our control. Heaven's dwelling places (or "mansions" in KJV) will make the saint feel at home. If someone lived in 1297, then his "apartment" or "condo" will reflect his time period, dirt floor and all. The Alamo will not be there, so you will just have to remember it now. There will be no keys to lock or unlock doors, but there will be doorbells so people just don't walk in unannounced. The doorbell you chose will be your Heavenly theme song. I have already picked the tune for my home in Heaven. It's a little number from WW2, sung by the Andrew Sisters. When you ring a doorbell and hear Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, you'll know you came to the right house. I'll be dancing like Astaire with my cane as a partner." 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Countdown Begins

This could be the beginning of the end.

Nigel's Book in Second Edition (#7)

According to Sola Bootstrapa, Pettibone's first edition of "Jabbers" has sold completely out! All 125 copies were bought up the first two weeks it hit the bookstores. So now, by the help of Benny Finney and his staff, the second edition will hit the bookstores this weekend. The print run on this volume will be a whopping 550. Here is another excerpt from NPTAAJAH&H:

"Hell is a lot like a Black Flag Roach Motel - the wicked check in, but they don't check out! It is not a subject that is easy to talk or write about, so I am making YouTube videos with professional actors. We need this to be as real as possible on this side of eternity. I have hired the screenwriter of the Davey and Goliath TV series to direct these films. Each will be about five minutes in length and will all end the same way...screaming and gnashing. Elvis Wesley will do the music score for each spot. We are presently trying to get Kevin Hart to narrate. The first webisode will be the story of a transgender militant atheist real estate agent who is killed by a falling baby grand piano. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the Hell sequences will be done in the wonderful artistry of the claymation team who brought you Gumby and Pokey." 

Friday, May 8, 2015

Excerpts from Nigel's New Book #6

An Arminian friend of mine asked me if there will be toys and board games in Heaven. Yep! That's a fact, Jack. Some, but not all. For instance, games like Sorry, Battleship, Risk, Monopoly, Mouse Trap and Operation will never enter the gates of Heaven. On the other hand, Candy Land, Scrabble, Chess, Checkers and Hey! That's My Fish! will be found in 78% of all dwelling places."  

Thursday, May 7, 2015

SPECIAL REPORT!


Another FREE BOOK!

FREE BOOK!

Excerpts from Nigel's New Book #5

"Someone asked me in an email if they will see their pet goldfish in Heaven. Lady, why would you want to keep a creature of the watery world in a glass bowl for eternity? Wouldn't you want to let it swim with kabillions of it's own kind? Are you insane? That fish doesn't even care if you choke to death on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich! Wake up, woman! Fish are not pets! They are prisoners of curious humans! If you ask me that again, even in Heaven, I will ban you from the Nigel Adam Pettibone Galaxy for six millenniums. I don't care if you are my sister-in-law."
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