Ask you local Christian Book Store to put these in their Theology section!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Church music directors or worship leaders, as some are called, are known for their bravery and extreme risk taking. I captured this photo at a ski retreat where one such individual was piano key boarding. See if you can turn this episode into something with a twist of Calvinistic humor. We laugh, because we love.........to laugh.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
It has been said that before the coming of Armageddon, turtles in stage plays will be rampant. This is a scene from "Death of a Sales Tortoise" and I just about walked out until I remembered that I could take a photo and use it for my Just for Laughs post.
Please think of something that would make a mime laugh out loud.
The theory behind this effort was that if you trained your new-born to sleep through all this racket, when your new-born becomes an older-born, they will be able to sleep soundly no matter what's going on in the rest of the house.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
here. We are awaiting results to see if the cancer is continuing to spread. Please take a few seconds to send up a prayer for her. If you met her you would never forget her. She is facing her giants with the faith of a true saint of God. I am trying to call in an "air strike" of prayer by asking those who read this to mention her in your prayers. Inside, we can all "Stop, drop and pray!" God's rich blessings on all who do.
Picture yourself in the Calvinistic Cartoonist Art Museum. You come across this painting that has a sign underneath that says "WRITE IN YOUR CAPTION AND RECEIVE ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS! I AM NOT KIDDING! I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME!" Of course, that's just all in your imagination. There isn't even a CC Art Museum! But there is a wordless painting and your looking at it. And it is crying for some clever caption.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Also, I have met my first Calvinist here. He actually came and knocked on my door. Chris Freeman and his wife Stephanie (who are both teachers) wanted to welcome my wife and I to the neighborhood. We both live in the same building in Salmiya. It houses teachers only. We got to talking and the conversation, of course, worked its way to Christianity, and Calvinism in particular. I was thrilled that my prayers had been answered (with the help of those out there who have prayed for me) and he told me that I was the first Calvinist he had met as well. We went to the Lighthouse church two Sundays ago. It is a church with multiple congregations of over 50 nationalities, that meet on Fridays and Sundays. (the work week in Kuwait is Sunday through Thursday, Friday and Saturday being their weekend)
I am still looking for a job. Need lots of prayer for that. It has a whole different set of challenges. Every American here is either a teacher or in the military.
My wife has been in Colorado taking care of my daughter, Tammy. We couldn't afford to both travel like we originally planned. And of the two, there is no question who is the "angel of mercy". A daughter needs her mother in times like these. My wife, Mary, will return Sunday night. I have been sick (literally) ever since she has been gone.
I will give everyone an update on my daughter tomorrow. Please continue to pray for her in this time of chemo and surgery. God is doing great things through her. Her testimony during this is nothing short of amazing! She actually wore pink boxing gloves to her first chemo treatment. She is going to fight this and would love to have your prayers in her corner.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Yet another ventriloquist/dummy act. There were thousands of these acts performing daily all over the globe years ago. Most were not good at ventriloquism at all. Some made albums, some had their own TV shows, one even wrote "Ventriloquism for Dummies". Imagine seeing this (photo above) as you strolled through a garden somewhere...or conversing with Geraldine at a ventriloquist convention and she says to you, "Trees talk too, y'know". I realize that a tree's bark is worse than it's bite but, it is a little unnerving.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Come up with a clever spin on this photo. Keep it theological or at least, make the guy in the photo a deacon, pastor, or member of a church somewhere. Make sure it is in English and don't write on your monitor. Don't forget to eat a hearty breakfast and look both ways before crossing the street. Don't get involved in a crime just because some of your "church friends" say all you have to do is keep the car running. Try not to sing to impress the person if front of you at church Sunday and use your parking brake when your auto is on an incline. Take a walk through the park tomorrow and witness to the person who brings you the pizza you ordered. Seriously think about giving to the Salvation Army sometime when it isn't close to Christmas. And don't forget to click on the photo above for a better view.
Yeah, that's right, leave the ladies out of this. After all, they only play guitar, bass and tamborine - and probably sing back up. Maybe they broke off and went on to become the Daughters of Lightning. And to think this has the Zondervan Record label...probably only worth a couple of bucks anyway.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
May 7, 1740
One of the books I carry with me is Facets of Grace by Edward Eddington. Here is a quote I want you to remember as I relate to you the time I met John Chapman, or as most folk know him, Johnny Appleseed.
"When one's belief is defined it is doctrine. But it is only Biblical doctrine if it is in total harmony with the whole counsel of God."
As I recall, it was a cool, clear night. I had been in the saddle for hours and was thinking about bedding down for the night when I spotted a fire flickering in a clearing up ahead. As is my practice, I began singing "Amazing Grace" so as not to alarm whomever I am approaching, and to let them know I am a man who loves the Lord. I could smell meat being roasted and the scent of apple cider in the air.
"Ho brother! Come sit a spell! I was praying for some company and for someone to share this meal with. I guess you are the answer to BOTH prayers!"
The man who spoke was extremely thin with gray hair and beard down to his belly. His voice was surprisingly high-pitched for his stature. His clothes were tattered and his feet were bare as the day he was born.
"The name's John...John Chapman. Some people call me Apple Jack, but mostly I am known as Johnny Appleseed."
"I am pleased to meet you. My name is Cotton Adams. I am a circuit riding Doctrines of Grace preacher."
"Well, I'll be pickled! I'm a missionary with the Church of the New Jerusalem. I don't like to kill animals but, this was self-defense. Hope you like bob-cat and 'taters."
"Well, thanks but I'm not hungry. I will take a cup of your apple cider though."
We continued small talk for a while. He told me of his planting millions of apple seeds everywhere he went, and about his celibacy and charity work in each town he visits. I was eager to find out if this man really knew the Lord.
"Tell me about this church you mentioned." I said, drinking down my third cup.
"It was started by Emanuel Swedenborg. And we preach news right fresh from Heaven! He has written a third testament that adds present revelation from God to the Bible. It says if you don't get married here on earth, you can have two wives in Heaven!"
I had read some of Swedenborg's works but I let Johnny continue.
"That ol' Emanuel fella, he has visited Heaven and Hell many times. He wrote all about his visions, dreams and experiences and I believe him!"
"Mr. Chapman, I have actually read his book on his mystical journeys and it is structured exactly like Dante's "The Divine Comedy".
"So what! Maybe this Dante fella stole it from Swedenborg!"
"That's hardly possible since Dante was born in 1265 A.D.!" I stated emphatically.
"Well, then I would have to say that Dante made the same journey! Thus verifying Swedenborg."
"I can see you refuse to see the heresy in front of your face. You need to listen to God's Word and forsake Emanuel's teaching and repent and embrace Immanuel, The Lord of Glory! Sin has made you rotten to the core, Johnny Appleseed. And the confusion you spread will wilt and die like the tree Jesus cursed. Be assured of this one thing. Those elected to salvation are the apple of God's eye. You are a prisoner of the Devil himself. I can only pray God plants HIS seed in the soil of your soul. Only time and eternity will tell. I thank you kindly for the cider. Please consider what I have said. Swedenborg will split Hell wide open and all who follow him will end up in the same place."
With that I mounted my horse and rode off. By the time I reached the next town, I had my sermon outline:
Adam's Apple - The fall of the first Adam and the triumph of the last Adam
(I changed the TULIP to APPLE)
All born through Adam are totally depraved
Predestined election is God's choice, not mine
Particular Redemption never failing
Love and grace of God creates love for God by grace
Everyone born of God is preserved for Heaven
Saturday, September 19, 2009
We all know that we shouldn't throw stones. The Bible says so. But, knife throwing can bring a lot of first-timers back to church. It's cutting edge. It's an idea that has a point. It's part of the circus that goes on in many a congregation today. Provide some humor for this photo and maybe you will cause some knife throwing pastor to reconsider his role as shepherd.
Friday, September 18, 2009
It's back! And just in time for National Laugh Day. Just remember to keep the captions theological in nature. Submit a caption and somewhere on this planet a person will laugh causing a domino effect that will eventually work its way back into your hands as a surprise gift from a distant relative. Try it and see!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
October 23, 1739
I took horse at half past three. There was no moon or stars, but a fog so thick that I could see neither road nor rock. I was headed for Bad Manors, a town with a reputation for it's lack of hospitality. The fog quickly vanished as I drew nigh to Bad Manors revealing the dawning of a new day.
As I approached a fork in the road, the mist fell again on every side, blinding me and my horse as well. Because of this, Calico, my faithful steed, stepped on the fork and injured the tender part of his hoof. The pain caused him to throw me into a watery bog and I was covered from head to toe with a putrid layer of mud and vegetation. Thanking God all the while for what could have been a deadly fall on sharp rocks, or a rattlesnake bite instead of a carelessly thrown eating utensil.
I took Calico's reins and walked him into town. After bandaging his foot at the livery stable, I left to find a room and clean myself up. I was scheduled to preach in the evening at the only evangelical church in town.
True to the town's reputation, the innkeeper was extremely rude and rather brash. I took much abuse before I even registered my name. I could take no more when he said with a scowl, "If I had a son who was an idiot, I would make him a preacher!"
"Evidently, your father," I replied, "was of a different opinion."
I picked up my saddlebags and went upstairs.
Feeling more guilty by the minute for my remark, I went back sometime later to apologize to the innkeeper, only to find someone else in his stead.
"Where is the gentleman who was here a few hours ago?"
"They rushed him to the doctor because he discovered he had another mouth to feed!" said the bald-headed man without looking up from his book.
"That doesn't make sense," I stated.
"It does if you have a tapeworm!"
I returned to my room to pray for his well being.
Coincidentally, my sermon tonight is entitled, "Hell - the place where the worm dieth not."
Thursday, September 10, 2009
My adorable daughter Tammy Osborn
To my friends and spiritual family who read this blog. This has all transpired in literally, a matter of days. My daughter was told that she may have had cancer for the last several years. She is trusting God for everything and she knows this is part of his plan for her life. And she wants to glorify Him and she needs your prayers to do that.
I asked her last night if I could post this letter from my son-in-law. I hope you will not only pray for her but that you will put her name on your Church's prayer list or lift her up in prayer in your Bible study groups.
I will return with humor soon. Right now, every thing seems rather trite in comparison to what my daughter is going through.
Her name is Tammy Osborn. Her husband is Justin. Her precious children are Hunter and Brooklyn Faith.
Here is the letter:
"I would like to thank all of you for the e-mails and messages that we have received. We can't tell you how much we appreciate all the thoughts and prayers.
As you may know, the tumor was removed from Tammy last Friday. We got a phone call last night from the doctor saying that the results were in, and it looks like the cancer has spread to her lymphatic channel, and that he recommends chemotherapy.
In order to get another opinion, we lined up an appointment today with the oncologist. She said very similar things as the other doctor, and in her exact words..."this is the worst of the worst".
In order to confirm these findings, we have an MRI scheduled for this Friday, and a Pet-scan and Sentinel Lymph node Biopsy scheduled for next Tuesday. During this procedure, a Portocath will be inserted in Tammy, and that is how the chemo will go through her body. If those procedures show that the the doctor is correct in his findings (that the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes) then were are dealing with a stage three invasive breast cancer, which is some really serious stuff.
Tammy will be starting Chemotherapy on Thursday, September 17th. This will be a 4 month long process, with the last dose being on 12/23. She will go in every other Thursday for treatment. Once treatment is over, she will be getting a bilateral (double) mastectomy, with reconstructive surgery. Radiation may proceed.
As you can imagine, she is staying amazingly strong through all of this. She has requested a robe like Rocky wore in his boxing movies, only pink....So if anybody knows where I can find one those, let me know. She also has requested the soundtrack to the movies, so that she can constantly hear "Eye of the Tiger". She's ready for the battle that is about to be thrown in the ring with her and she knows that with God on her side, she can knock this thing out."
Eddie here again. One more thing, my wife and I will be flying to Colorado on September 17th and returning to Kuwait on the 26th to help out. This is a difficult time for all involved so prayers are needed all around.
I close with a quote from Spurgeon:
We do not come in prayer only to a place where God dispenses His favors to the poor. Nor do we some to the back door of the house of mercy to receive scraps, though that is more than we deserve. When we pray, we are standing in the palace before God's throne. We are on the glittering floor of the great King's reception room, and thus we are place on advantaged ground.
Shall we come with stunted requests and a narrow, contracted faith? No, for it does not become a King to be giving away pennies. Our God distributes pieces of broad gold. Oh that we always felt this way when we came before the throne of grace! Then He would do "exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think." (Eph.3:20)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wesley's restless wrangling really wearied Whitefield.
Brother Bobby Bueblay brought a big blue and black Bible he bought from brother Bruce Bleebay in Boston.
Why not try one yourself? Sproul is a tongue twister waiting to happen.
Monday, September 7, 2009
ABC (The Arminian Broadcasting Company) in association with the 700 Club presents "The Ponder-osa". Join Ben Notright and his sons, Adam, Hoss and Little Joe as they sit around the ranch pondering Arminian theology.
In tonights episode:
When a Calvinist circuit riding preacher, Grant Revelation, (played by Jimmy Steward) is found wounded and beaten by a group of chariamatic outlaws known as, "The Name It and Claim It Gang", Ben takes him to the ranch to recover. During his stay, the preacher convinces the Notrights that the Doctrines of Grace are true. Ben changes the name of his land to the "Wonder-osa" because of the wonderful grace he has been granted from God. He also changes the family name to "Heartright" and starts raising sheep, thus, bringing the series to an end because of the angry Arminian sponsors.
There is a rumor that CBS (The Calvinist Broadcasting System) will pick up the program after the fall.
NBC (Nothing But Charismatics) executives said Friday that they will have nothing to do with the series unless the writers are willing to be slain in the spirit.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Thirty years ago, an Arminian entrepeneur, Lamont Gummery, wrote me a letter and closed with, "I hope you live to be as old as your jokes." Well, today I turn sixty. SIXTY!! I HAVE NOW LIVED OVER ONE THIRD OF MY NATURAL LIFE! All I can say is to love God, love people, and keep the fun in the fundamental things. I still maintain that only a Calvinist can really enjoy life to the fullest. With Christ, life is a great adventure with a fantastic ending...or better, a fantastic never-ending! Have a blessed day my brothers and sisters! My birthday wish is for you to send up a short prayer for me to find a job here in Kuwait. I will let you know when God opens that office door. Shukran. ("Shook-run") That's "Thank you" in Arabic.
. If you ever drive by one of those "Gentlemen's Clubs" or an X-rated video store in your city, and you see some guy making his way to or from the front door...honk your horn like crazy until you get his attention, then wave to him like he is your long lost friend! They will think someone they know spotted them in a place they shouldn't be. It's the "deer caught in the headlights" technique that works extremely well with the backslidden. This will probably keep them nervous and uneasy for three or four weeks...depending on their level of depravity and how much they have applied a hot iron to their conscience.