Saturday, May 30, 2009

Random Word Writing Contest #7

Write a paragraph or two using the following random words:

letter, glacier, glue, hand sanitizer

Entries may be poetry, prose, fiction, essays or interviews.
(or any other form of creatively written expression.)
Just be funny, clever and theological...
and give your piece a TITLE.
The winner will be announced on
June 5th
and will be awarded a
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.
They make a great paper airplane!

Caption Contest Winner #17

Congrats on the winning caption Aaron!
For more comical captions click here!

Two Angry Men Write What's Wrong

Well, some may have noticed that two followers of Calvinistic Cartoons have ripped up their membership cards and left. Usually, I never know why...but, this time both of these men wrote me to tell me what was wrong and why they left. I appreciate that. The first letter is from Bosco Levene of Splattertown, Missouri. The second letter is from Tahoe McFern of Bladderville, New Mexico:

Dear Mr. Eddings,

I have entered your Caption Contests over and over again and YOU deleted my entries. All my friends and family said I should sue you because it is clear that my jokes are worthy of awards.

My first entry was for Contest # 14...the one where the dude is shielding the woman from another dude. Here is my caption:

"Get away from here, madman! I don't subscribe to your newspaper and I never will. So go far from the farm or I will kill you! I mean it now! GO!"

The second time I entered, I posted this caption (for Contest #15 - the one with the singing and the playing and the hat and the lady):

"I will kill you for singing off key! I really mean it! Don't make me get up from this piano bench and prove it...ya low-down, flea-bitten hobo of a man!"

The third one was for Contest #16...the one with the man on the floor and one of the other men is holding a whip:

"Take back what you said about my expensive clothes or I will kill you! I mean it! Here, take this! And this! Now, will you apologize for your insolence? No? Okay, some more lashes from my whip!"

It's apparent to me you are one-sided, two-dimensional, and flat-footed! I leave and I will never return! I mean it! I'm not lying! ...oh, yeah, you are also a lousy speller!

Your cousin,

Dear Pea-Brain,

I joined your blog not knowing what a Calvinist was. As I read your attempts at humor, it suddenly dawned on me that you were serious about all this TULIP stuff! I am leaving because you attack other beliefs as well as your own...which proves to me you are insane! And your last posting was about WINE! ...also, Merlot looks a lot like "Merlin" who was a wizard! Are you condoning magic, witchcraft and drinking alcohol? Well, you "broke the straw" on the camel's back when you made fun of the Pope! What has he ever done to YOU?! I hope you drink milk that has gone sour! And then, bite into a donut that has ants crawling all over the insides. I am leaving and will create my OWN blog where no one says anything negative! I will call it..."A Blog for Those Who Have No Computers". And if I ever become king of England, I will have you banished to Rhode Island!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Lyrical Miracles Chosen One # 9

Thanks Aaron for the fabulous song!
And like the depraved funeral director said to Dr. Kevorkian,
"Thanks for your patients!"

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Today in Church History (not entirely documented)

On May 24th, 1961, one of the few years you could turn upside down and it read the same, Robert Jeweller preached a sermon he reworked by Jonathan Edwards. “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God". Jeweller thought Edwards sermon was too harsh, so he radically modified it and called it, "Seekers Who Lack Self-Esteem in the Hands of a Full-Esteem Ahead God."

The most memorable part of the Edwards sermon was the analogy of the spider:
The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked: his wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire; he is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in his sight; you are ten thousand times more abominable in his eyes, than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours. You have offended him infinitely more than ever a stubborn rebel did his prince; and yet it is nothing but his hand that holds you from falling into the fire every moment. It is to be ascribed to nothing else, that you did not go to hell the last night; that you were suffered to awake again in this world, after you closed your eyes to sleep. And there is no other reason to be given, why you have not dropped into hell since you arose in the morning, but that God's hand has held you up. There is no other reason to be given why you have not gone to hell, since you have sat here in the house of God, provoking his pure eyes by your sinful wicked manner of attending his solemn worship. Yea, there is nothing else that is to be given as a reason why you do not this very moment drop down into hell.

Robert Jeweller changed his sermon to this:
Somewhere in the forest a butterfly was beautifying a rose by posing atop it's petals. Her wings flapping to an unheard tune the trees seemed to be swaying to. A bee was humming to the melody of nature's symphony as he dipped inside a wonderfully painted forest flower that seemed delighted to have such a distinguished visitor. Bluebirds were singing, crickets chirping and a possum was laughing in the gentle breeze. Heaven seemed to be saying, "You're the most important creature in the woodlands...yes, you...and you...and you with the compound eyes." A man could be seen in the distance hugging a tree, then a cactus. The world started a song of joy and a doddle bug was rolling down the hillside, hoping for insect manna from above. "Everything is going to turn out okay for everyone", said the hummingbird to the dove. The clouds looked like purple cotton candy swirling in the dark blue sky. A storm was approaching. A storm of love.

Robert Jeweller was arrested later that day for jaywalking.

Caption Contest #18

Call it Caption Cartoon Week or Caption Cartoon Madness if you will, but this has been the most fun I've had since I started this blog. Thanks to your wit and good humor! Most of the time, I think of an idea I hope will get a laugh and wait for comments...these captions everyone has come up with for these contests have had me laughing out loud! The last time I remember laughing so much was when Dr. Fenton Mahoney was holding me upside down and I saw his face right after my delivery.
Here is one photo that should capture your imagination. The winner will be announced on May 31st or May 32nd...whichever comes first.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Today in Church History (we think)

On May 23, 1836, Charles G. Finney resigned as pastor of the Why The Long Face Presbyterian Church in New York City, and announced his intention to demit the ministry of the Presbyterian Church and to transfer his ordination to the Congregational Church.
When asked at his licensure exam in 1823 whether he subscribed to the Westminster Confession of Faith, Finney responded, "I had not examined it - This made no part of my study. If it's not a Pop-Up book I will have nothing to do with it!"

When asked if he would consider playing the part of the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz stage production in Fresno, California, he said, "It's the part I was born to play, baby!"

From this point on, Finney just got meaner and meaner. He was known to sucker punch Calvinists and then shout, "There's your dose of predestination today!"

His request to be buried at sea in his scarecrow costume was denied by the Congregational Church Committee of Elders and Mathematicians.

Caption Contest #17

Here's is a photo I think will bring some serious laughter...that is, after YOU provide the caption. Please remember what Charles T. Spurgeon (no relation to Charles H. Spurgeon) once said, "Laughter can help you climb a mountain, and if you fall, it can help make the trip down a lot more enjoyable."

The winner of this contest will be announced on May 30th

Friday, May 22, 2009

Today in Church History (maybe)

Today in Church History: Harry Emerson "Fearless" Fosdick

On May 22, 1924, Harry Emerson Fosdick preached the famous sermon, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” from the pulpit of First Presbyterian Church in Walla Walla, Washington.
Although a licenced dog catcher, Fosdick was serving as the preaching minister of the prominent Fifth Avenue Candy Bar church, and his sermon has been generally regarded as the “Chucky Cheese” of the fundamentalist-modernist controversy in the Presbyterian Church. Though ostensibly a plea for tolerance, the widely distributed sermon served to warn fundamentalists that they could not “drive out from the Christian churches all the wacky preachers who love to mix it up with those who disagree with heretical views.”
In an earlier (1918) letter, J. Gresham Machen had described Fosdick’s preaching as “just dreadful! I can't believe this junk goes on in front of, outside and inside the Church. And to top it all off, he spits when he talks.” By 1923, Machen would emerge as modernism’s most formidable critic with the publication of Christianity and Liberalism. Fosdick, however, would recede from Presbyterian prominence. In 1925 he resigned his post because of multiple dog bites and a case of rabies, and in 1930 he became pastor of the newly built Sweet Potato Church in New York City.
In 1931, he was struck by lightning while chasing a chihuahua.

Caption Contest #16

The International Blog Police have contacted me about my site. They said that (1) My blog isn't really a blog. That unless it is in keeping with the International Checklist for Successful Blogging, I do not exist...and (B) Caption Contests should be banned from American soil.

Well, as long as I am paying ten thousand dollars a year to use this "freedom of blogging" right I have as an American citizen, I will continue to blog 'till the cows come home.

...wait a second, someone is at the was a cow. But, not a real one! I spotted the zipper on the back and discovered two International Blog Policemen! I chased them off my property with my bo staff.

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU PEOPLE! These IBP are nothing more than pagans trying to regulate what we Christians are publishing in cyber-space.

All that to say this...until I return home from Colorado. (I have to be back on the job Tuesday) I am trying to find the easy way to keep my blog going. The caption contests have been the most successful! I am exhilarated over the amount of comments and suggestions. So let the IBP do their worst! I WILL NOT STAND DOWN! CAPTION CONTESTS WILL CONTINUE!

The winner of this Caption Contest
will be announced on May, 29th

No Contest

This is to inform all of you that there will be no contests today.
But prizes will be given to the winners.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Caption Contest #15

Congratulations once again Let Us Repent and Believe!
Your caption was selected by none other than
the Romans 9 Grenade!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Caption Contest #14

Congratulations Let Us Repent and Believe!
(if that's your real name!)

Here is your opportunity to bring some laughter ("good medicine") to some weary saints. Study the picture above and come up with something that is befitting Calvinistic Cartoons. In other words, something with a theological bent and funny. (although, most would argue if it's befitting Calvinistic Cartoons it must be "corny" or "punny") Whatever you do, keep in mind that whether you win or not, your joke will be appreciated by at least seventeen viewers. I know I always enjoy the entries. The winner will be announced on May 27th.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Coffee House #5

This episode of Coffee House Confidential is brought to you by
Chic & Gumbo Coffee Creamer,
the coffee creamer that tastes just like coffee!

This week takes me to "The Same Ol' Grind", a coffee shop located in Beanbag, Colorado. I had my mini-recorder microphone hidden at a table where two Christians were conversing.

Ray: Our church attendance has increased exponentially since our pastor started preaching from the local TV guide!

Ben: This is a joke...right?

Ray: No! I'm dead serious! Last Sunday he preached a sermon based on "Lost". I think he called it "The Gospel According To John Locke". You should have heard his series on "The Fringe"! It was powerful!

Ben: What about the Bible? Don't you think that would be a better source for truth?

Ray: Hold on Ben...don't get all "fundy" on me. He uses the Bible! It's just that since pastor Nick is basically an evangelist at heart, he will use any and everything to win the lost. Just like Paul. He brings out the redemptive truth that is hidden in every TV show listed.

Ben: Sounds like he feeds the goats more than the sheep!

Ray: So...what's wrong with that?

Ben: Jesus said "feed my sheep"! He didn't say "feed the goats"!

Ray: Pastor Nick said if Paul lived in this century he would use the most popular medium to communicate the Good News! ...namely, capital T capital V.

Ben: It obvious he doesn't know Paul! Paul Shaffer maybe...but not the Apostle Paul.

Ray: You're much too critical, Ben. Pastor Nick is the most creative pastor I have ever listened to. His sermon on "The Twilight Zone" changed my life!

Ben: Let me ask you a question. When you leave church, do you think, "What a creative sermon that was!" or do you think, "What a great God and Savior we serve!"

Ray: Well, I can see through your trick questions! I'll be honest...I usually can't wait to see what he will do next! I mean, there is excitement in our congregation! Our bulletins even have a TV Guide Crossword Puzzle...we call them "Word Cross Puzzles"...get it? And he is working on a new TV Guide Study Bible that will premiere the day of the final episode of "Prison Break". His new book, "Stay Tuned", will be out around Christmas. If I give you a copy, will you read it?

Ben: Sure...if you'll read a book I have for you.

Ray: It's a deal! What is the book?

Ben: "Tell the Truth" by Will Metzger.

Ray: Was he on "Boston Legal"?

After You Die

This will be the last song I post here for a long while.
It is the first song I wrote after the Lord saved me.
It's entitled, "After You Die".

Where will you be after you die?
What will you see after you die?
The rich man found himself in Hell
Lazarus was doing well

What will you hear after you die?
What will you fear after you die?
God can make you fully whole
He can save your eternal soul

Sin has a price, it has to be paid
That's why Jesus Christ, gave His life that day

What will you say after you die?
You'll have to pay after you die
God's Word is beckoning to you
Don't wind up with that rich fool

What will you feel after you die?
You'll have to kneel after you die
Life and death are not a game
Every tongue shall confess His name

Sin has a price, it has to be paid
That's why Jesus Christ gave His life that day (2x)

Monday, May 18, 2009

There's a Name

Everything will be back to "normal" when I return home. As for now, please accept these songs I wrote as you would a subtitute teacher or a visiting preacher at the pulpit. Thanks...and we still could use your prayers!


There's a Name, above all names
The same Name, that sets my soul aflame
He's the One, God's only Son
Every knee shall bow every tongue shall confess His name

The Christ of Revelation is the Rock of my salvation
and with no exaggeration I'll say
Because I was elected, I'll never be rejected
He made my will to want to one day
In His predestination is all Heaven's population
By His holy invitation to go
Whom He calls He justifies
Turns around and glorifies
He has paid for every sin-debt we owe

There's a Man, above all men
The God-Man, Who made it all begin
He's the One, God's only Son
Every knee shall bow every tongue shall confess His name

Sunday, May 17, 2009

A Simple Song of Jesus

I wrote this song to the tune of "A Simple Song of Freedom"
recorded many years ago by Bobby Darin.

Come and sing a simple song of Jesus
Sing it like you never sung before
Let it fill the air, tell the people everywhere
We the people here believe the Lord.

Mr. and Mrs. Christian are you listening?
Don't live like you've never known the Lord
Let the people see that you walk in victory
The joy of your salvation He'll restore.

Mr. Unbeliever are you ready?
You'll be all alone on judgment day
When God calls your name, you'll know you are to blame
For every single sin you'll have to pay

Hey there, Mr. Sinner can you hear me?
Give your life to Him who is the Way
Then you'll surely see, that this Man of Galilee
Will never leave you or cast you away.

Brother and sister are you listening?
There's a plan that you cannot ignore
It is God's design that you let you light so shine
By living out what's written in God's Word.

Come and sing a simple song of Jesus
Sing it like you never sung before
Let it fill the air, tell the people everywhere
We the people here believe the Lord.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

He's Mighty

Here is another song I wrote. This was written a few years after God graciously opened my eyes to His sovereign grace. Most of my songs had a strong rock beat to them. Since you don't know how it sounds, take my word, it had a melody as well.
This one is entitled, "He's Mighty"

He's the Soveriegn Savior of the whole universe
He's searchin' for His people who are under the curse
He'll save 'em, He'll keep 'em, He'll bring 'em on home
Smack dab into Heaven singin' 'round His holy throne

He's mighty - He's mighty - He's mighty
Mum mum mum mighty

One day a dead man was lyin' in a grave
Bad to the bone, stinkin' up the cave
Jesus came by and called out his name
And I'm here to tell you that I've never been the same 'cause


Three crosses on the hill in the heat of the day
One man turned to Jesus, the other turned away
Look at the center cross, bring it into view
Ask yourself this question: On which side are you?


Well He walked on the water, made the blind to see
Cast out many demons when He went to Galilee
Jesus is the answer, He's the One who should be seen
He's the Alpha and Omega and all letters in between

(chorus 3x)

Friday, May 15, 2009

Travelin' Time

This is just to let everyone know that this next week will be a little different at Calvinistic Cartoons. I have no access to my Photoshop and I will be winging it the next six or seven days. My wife and I packed up and left for Durango, Colorado yesterday. (15 hours on the road) Our daughter is having her second child. I am typing this as my wife is getting ready to leave for the hospital. We will be here helping out for a week or so. Pray for us and for our seventh...yes, seventh grandchild.

Songster Pulpit

This is a song I wrote a few years ago
to the tune of "Summertime Blues"

Well, I'm gonna get up early and I'm gonna read the Bible
Gonna pray to Abba Father that I live like a disciple
I talked to God the Father and He said quote:
"I'm looking for a swimmer not just one who likes to float."

Sometimes I wonder what I'm a goin' through
But His grace is sufficient and His Holy Word is true!

Well I'm gonna plant some tracts when I go on my vacation
Gonna talk about Jesus and the gift of His salvation
I talked to God the Son and He said to me:
"I'll never leave you or forsake you that's the way it's gonna be."

Sometimes I wonder what I'm a goin' through
But His grace is sufficient and His Holy Word is true!

Well my mom and papa told me son you gotta live for Jesus
Just give Him all your problems and you'll never fall to pieces
Well I talked to God the Spirit and He said quote:
"I'll give you understanding just keep reading what I wrote."

Sometimes I wonder what I'm a goin' through
But His grace is sufficient and His Holy Word is true!

Well last night I was a readin' in the book of Revelation
It was talkin' bout a party - a big wedding celebration
Well the invitation came in the form of a book
"It's called the Holy Bible if you wanna take a look."

Sometimes I wonder what I'm a goin' through
But His grace is sufficient and His Holy Word is true!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Fan Photo from "Puddin" Tane

Mr. Tommy "Puddin" Tane sent me this photo he found in a new antique store called "The House of History" in Clabber, North Dakota. On the back of the photograph is a listing of the members. The female member was the singer/songwriter of the group known only as "Pilgrim Grandmommy" and the fellow on the far right was listed as "Doc Brown". Also of interest, is the young boy on the snare drum, he is the great grandfather of the late James Montgomery Boice! Amazing photo indeed! Thanks Tommy Tane for sharing!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Here is your opportunity to help give a little direction. Would you like to see more or less of a feature? Do you have a poem or song you would like displayed that would fit the ambiance of this site? Can you think of a new idea that could be turned into a series? Do you have some suggestions as to what might be a good contest or challenge? Do you have a comment to make in general? Do you have any bad habits you would like to get rid of? Has the weather outside changed since you started reading this? Do you think that there is life on other planets? Can you spell phlegm? Do you have a problem with fire ants in your yard? Can you loan me a couple of thousand dollars? Is your refrigerator running? Now is your providential moment to take a few minutes and contribute something from the recesses of your redeemed brain. Go ahead...make my blog.

The Wisdom of Open Theism

Friday, May 8, 2009

Lyrical Miracles Contest # 9...# 9...# 9

No, not a Beatle tune this time out.
We're talkin' Roger Miller's "King of the Road"!
It's a great tune that needs Calvinistic overhauling!
If you are not familiar with this popular classic,
YouTube it and take a listen.
It's one of those tunes that just seems to stay with you.
Can't wait for the new improved version.
Humorous or serious, just get 'er done!
The winner will have his work of art posted
on May 14th, Lord willing.

The Audition

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Oldie But Goodie

Traveling through the southern part of Tennessee on my way to another Coffee Shop Confidential, I stopped in "Criminal Records", an old record shop where all the merchandise was donated by those awaiting execution. I came across this rare album by Johnny Puleo and his Harmonica Gang. A lot of Christians don't know, but Spurgeon wrote a lot of hymns! Pilgrim Publishers in Pasadena, Texas has a paperback entitled " Our Own Hymn-Book: Spurgeon's Metropolitan Tabernacle Hymn-Book". It is well worth owning...and it is much easier to find than the album above. (...And for those who know nothing about Johnny Puleo and his Harmonica Gang, YouTube has some video worth watching.)
Have a blessed day everyone! This is the day that the Lord hath made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


No new posting today...except for this. I wake up every morning, seven days a week, at 5 a.m. or close to it. I never set an alarm. I have this built in alarm clock that awakens me each morning. (true - not a joke) This morning I was working on an idea (you will see the completion tomorrow - Lord willing) and a storm rolled into the North Dallas area and at six...all my electricity went kaput! I spent the time in prayer (that's the Romans 8:28 of this story) and left home a little before 8 a.m. - still without power at my home. I am on my lunch break and wanted to let you all know the situation. I try to post something everyday...sometimes it just doesn't work out.

I was glad to spend some time in prayer and praise in my dark living room. "In everything gives thanks (...Rejoice ever more...Pray without ceasing...Quench not the Spirit) for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." (that's one of the songs I sing as I meditate on His provision and will for my life).

Now, about yesterdays comments:

When someone takes their name from my list of followers (I don't really like the term concerning my blog so I changed it to "People who like this site" -- although, "followers" still shows up.) I tend to wonder why and admittedly get a little flustered because I don't know if I offended someone or if they possibly misunderstood my intentions. (But, he pulled out of Facets of Grace, my other blog, also...hmmm) And btw, I don't really expect anyone to explain why they left. I probably wouldn't either, to be honest.
But let me just set the record straight. I don't "hate" anyone. Neither am I "liberal" in any of it's shape-shifting forms. If Calvinism had 55 points I would be a 55 point Calvinist! And because I believe in God's sovereignty and His revealing of Truth...I love all Christians. Not just Calvinists. I was an Arminian once myself! (fact is, I hit Calvinists in my Cartoon blog every once in a while too. We all need to be rebuked as well as encouraged ever so often) I have friends of every persuation. I have friends who are atheists, friends who are homosexual (their in my extended family), friends who are Roman Catholic, friends of every ethnic and social background. The church in which I am an elder, is a multi-cultural, slice of Dallas. We are not a "white church" or a "black church or hispanic church". When someone becomes a Christian they have a whole new family and it ain't segregated! Heaven won't be sectioned off by color. And God isn't "color blind". He created the human race with a palate full of colors, hues and tones. The teaching pastor/elder is a 4-point Calvinist (even though, he would never use the word "Calvinist".) So I dialog with many types and always point people to the Cross. (I do need more boldness - so pray for me in that.) The Doctrines of Grace are my life-blood. When God revealed these amazingly awesome truths to me, I never saw a verse of Scripture the same.
Times up. Lunch break is over.
In His service,

Comments? No Comment

I know you think I am going to beg for comments. Well, no I'm not. Why would you think that I would? You have a right to remain silent...and I am listening. I know you will comment when you feel there is a need. I don't want anyone out there to feel any pressure whatsoever. Do you think I comb my posts every day to see if someone has commented or not? Really? All right, maybe so...but, do you think I am so ego-centric that I need morale boosting around the clock? Well, I am working on that. I have also noticed that one just disappeared from the ranks today. No explanation. No reason given. I suspect he was forced to withdraw his membership because of the Emergent Mafia. All I want to say is hang in there saints! My time is short. My mind is fading. And I plan on continuing this as long as my laughing heart holds out. There is (and this is serious) a huge announcement I will be making in a few months. So stay tuned...if you please.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Free Subscription to New Members

The next 27 new members (74 through 100) will receive a life time subscription to Century Magazine! The only magazine published every 100 years! The next issue will be out on January 2019! Be looking for it new members!

Coffee House #4

This episode of Coffee House Confidential is brought to you by
Cotton Adams Coffee Beans, the coffee beans you can eat!

This week takes me to "The Freudian Sip", a coffee shop located in Dusseldorf, Germany. I had my mini-recorder microphone hidden at a table where two English speaking Arminians were discussing Calvinistic Cartoons. They both had their laptops open to my blog. (I admit, I sort of planted the idea in their heads by suggesting they go there. I then, went to the restroom and disguised myself with a Groucho Marx kit made by the same people who invented the Life-size Clydesdale Chia Pet. This is the edited version of their conversation.)

Bo: Just who was that guy? Isn't that him in the corner with the fake Groucho glasses?
Moe: Yeah, that's him…it would probably be best just to ignore him.
Bo: What do you think of this blog?
Moe: Pure D Calvinism.
Bo: Moe, you're the Bible expert! Tell me, why are there Calvinists anyway? Why can't they interpret the Bible like we do?
Moe: Bo, first of all, Calvinists are a proud lot. They are so convincing that it will annoy you. Like a broken record of a singing florist with tulips stuck in his hair. They blindly follow James Calvin like lemmings in an icy rainstorm.
Bo: You are a veritable wordsmith! No wonder you won the Finney Polite Fight Award of 2001. You da man!
Moe: Yes, I AM the man.
Bo: Tell me a little about Calvin.
Moe: James Tiberius Calvin, was born in France the same year Columbus chopped down that cherry tree. He studied at the Institute of Christian Religion and then posed for the Reformation Wall. I believe he had a pet tiger named Hobbes at one time. He created the TULIPS acronym.
Bo: I thought it was just TULIP, y'know five points.
Moe: Yes, that's true…NOW…but, originally, it was SIX points. The "S" was dropped in 1812. It stood for "Sovereignty".
Bo: Where did you learn all this?
Moe: I took a Kenneth Copeland Correspondence Course back in '95. It took me three whole months to graduate.
Bo: You're a gentleman and a scholar! I bet you know when to use a semi-colon!
Moe: I happen to be writing a book on Charles N. Spurgeon right now, and it's full of semi-colons…well, I am writing it in my head. I haven't written anything down as yet. But when I find the right publisher…WATCH OUT WORLD! This book will dispel the idea that Spurgeon believed in Limited Atonement.
Bo: You could debate ANYONE!
Moe: If only John Mugarthur or R.C. Sprawl would walk through that door right now…I would engage him in a conversation about the Five Points and demolish every argument he could muster.
Bo: Look! Isn't that John Mugarthur and R.C. Sprawl at the counter ordering espressos?
Moe: Hey! What are they doing here?
Bo: Now's your chance! I'll go ask them to join us!
Moe: NO! Don't you see? This is some elaborate plan to capture us and burn us at the stake! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

At that moment, both men grabbed their laptops and ran out the back door. Moe left his Dake's Bible and Bo left a tip with a Jack Chick-fil-a coupon worth over seventy five cents on a spicy chicken sandwich. Neither really discussed my blog like I had planned. I'll have to use that technique again in the future. But I did get to meet two guys who looked a whole lot like John MacArthur and R.C. Sproul that day.

Shai Linne Song

This is the real thing! It's a good dose of theological truth!

Verse 1

Here’s a controversial subject that tends to divide
For years it’s had Christians lining up on both sides
By God’s grace, I’ll address this without pride
The question concerns those for whom Christ died
Was He trying to save everybody worldwide?
Was He trying to make the entire world His Bride?
Does man’s unbelief keep the Savior’s hands tied?
Biblically, each of these must be denied
It’s true, Jesus gave up His life for His Bride
But His Bride is the elect, to whom His death is applied
If on judgment day, you see that you can’t hide
And because of your sin, God’s wrath on you abides
And hell is the place you eternally reside
That means your wrath from God hasn’t been satisfied
But we believe His mission was accomplished when He died
But how the cross relates to those in hell?
Well, they be saying:

God knows He tried (8x)

Verse 2

Father, Son and Spirit: three and yet one
Working as a unit to get things done
Our salvation began in eternity past
God certainly has to bring all His purpose to pass
A triune, eternal bond no one could ever sever
When it comes to the church, peep how they work together
The Father foreknew first, the Son came to earth
To die- the Holy Spirit gives the new birth
The Father elects them, the Son pays their debt and protects them
The Spirit is the One who resurrects them
The Father chooses them, the Son gets bruised for them
The Spirit renews them and produces fruit in them
Everybody’s not elect, the Father decides
And it’s only the elect in whom the Spirit resides
The Father and the Spirit- completely unified
But when it comes to Christ and those in hell?
Well, they be saying:

God knows He tried (8x)

Verse 3

My third and final verse- here’s the situation
Just a couple more things for your consideration
If saving everybody was why Christ came in history
With so many in hell, we’d have to say He failed miserably
So many think He only came to make it possible
Let’s follow this solution to a conclusion that’s logical
What about those who were already in the grave?
The Old Testament wicked- condemned as depraved
Did He die for them? C’mon, behave
But worst of all, you’re saying the cross by itself doesn’t save
That we must do something to give the cross its power
That means, at the end of the day, the glory’s ours
That man-centered thinking is not recommended
The cross will save all for whom it was intended
Because for the elect, God’s wrath was satisfied
But still, when it comes to those in hell
Well, they be saying:

God knows He tried (8x)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Lyrical Miracles Special Edition

This is a special edition of Lyrical Miracles.
Rule #1: Choose a well known, secular tune. (this could be a nursery rhyme, musical number, easy listening, classic rock, etc. - just make sure it is a song everyone is familiar with)
Rule #2: Write the lyrics based on Calvinistic Cartoons (try to include several aspects of this blog - like songs, cartoons, specific characters, contests, etc.)
Rule #3: Think of this as a TV or radio advertisement. I intend on using the winner's lyrics as part of a promotional ad for Calvinistic Cartoons. I will print hundreds up and drop them off at Dallas Theological Seminary and Criswell College here in Dallas, Texas.

The Cross Exam

Friday, May 1, 2009

Emergent at 20,000 Feet

Ellery T. Boss is a blogger on an airplane for the first time since his nervous breakdown six months ago.
He spots an emergent leader on the wing of the plane.
Every time someone else looks out the window,
the emergent leaps out of view,
so nobody believes Ellery's seemingly outlandish claim.
Ellery realizes that his wife is starting to think he needs
to go back to the sanitarium,
but also, if nothing is done about the emergent, he will damage the plane and cause it to crash. Ellery steals a sleeping pastor's Bible, and opens the window marked "Auxiliary Exit" to prove the emergent wrong on his view of Scripture, succeeding despite
the fact that he is nearly sucked out of the plane himself.
Once the plane has landed, although he is
whisked away in a straightjacket,
there is evidence of his claims: the unusual damage to the plane's engine nacelle — yet to be discovered by mechanics — that
presumably can only be explained as caused by something that
clawed at the structure's mainframe.
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