Tuesday, March 31, 2009
"Please put down your quill and come to bed!"- Mrs. John Owen
"I think I'm the luckiest woman on earth...wait a minute...sorry...the most providentially blessed!"- Mrs. John Calvin
"Honey, will you help me with my necklace?."- Mrs. Albert Mohler
"I need you to pick up some bread and a chuck roast on your way home." - Mrs. A. A. Hodge
"Look what the dog brought in!"- Mrs. B. B. Warfield
"Are you planning on writing a childrens book this year or not?" - Mrs. C. S. Lewis
"Please, please, please take me to Paris, France this spring!" - Mrs. Thomas Boston
"Why not dress up like Columbo again? It was the hit of the party last year."- Mrs. R. C. Sproul
"I think I am coming down with a cold!"- Mrs. A. W. Pink
"You better not write on my table again when you have your Table-talk!"- Mrs. Martin Luther
"That last sermon was a little scary!"- Mrs. Jonathan Edwards
"Yeah, a LOT has happened since you were gone!" - Mrs. George Whitefield
"No, I haven't read your latest book yet. I haven't finished the last one!"- Mrs. John MacArthur
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
As I approached the water well in the middle of the town of Basmati, an old friend came running up to me with a look of fear in his eyes. His name was Hahmina-Hahmina Ben-Loafen. We attended the School of Prophets together when we were young.
"Please, Baklava, interpret my dream! I do not understand what it means!"
"Calm down, my friend, and tell me what you have seen in your sleep," I said as earnest as I could manage.
"I was standing by the Falafel River, and behold, there came up out of the Falafel River, five cows attractive and plump, and they fed in the reed grass. And behold, five other cows, ugly and thin, came up out of the Falafel River after them, and stood by the other cows on the bank of the Falafel. And the ugly, thin cows ate up the seven attractive, plump cows. Then I awoke in a cold sweat. Please tell me, what does this mean?"
I paused for a moment to take in this strange revelation my friend had been given.
"There is only one thing this could mean . . . your cattle will become cannibalistic by tomorrow if we don't kill them and eat them tonight!"
I know the towns people were happy as we sat around that evening enjoying the steaks and ribs my old friend had provided...and, that night, Hahmina-Hahmina slept like a baby.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
That's the way I roll.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
What if God had not intervened in John MacArthur's life? There is no doubt he would have become JMac the Bible Rapper. He got Book. He got style. He got the boom box on a free trial.
Can anyone out there think of a good rap for Mr. Mac?
John...ya know I loves ya guy! You have blessed my socks off many a time!
I am thankful, as you are, that God gotcha.
Peace out my brutha!
My thanks to Sir Brass for inadvertently giving me this idea!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
"I'm thinking about selling sausage on the side!"- John Owen
"I not only speak French, I write it as well!"- John Calvin
"Can I borrow a couple of bucks?."- Cornelius Van Til
"No...it doesn't stand for Alcoholics Annonymous!"- A. A. Hodge
"I'm just really glad I didn't hear 'pick up and dig' because I was sitting by a shovel."- Augustine
"Honey! I'm home!"- B. B. Warfield
"Yes, I plan on writing some scripts for Gunsmoke. Why?" - C. S. Lewis
"Keep me in your prayers, I'm going to take up fencing." - Thomas Boston
"I just got an offer from NASA to do some space walking and talking."- R. C. Sproul
"That is the biggest scorpion I have ever seen in my life!"- William Carey
"I keep getting mail from readers that say they are 'tickled A.W. Pink' about my new book!"- A. W. Pink
"Kate, please make me a double decker ham sandwich!"- Martin Luther
"I don't know how to limbo."- Jonathan Edwards
"Here's looking at you!" - George Whitefield
"Hey!? What's this about R.C. going into space?"- John MacArthur
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
This photo was sent to me yesterday by my friend in Kenya, Mahoohoo Williams. I had never noticed the Matrix background until he pointed it out to me. Obviously, someone on the production staff must have been a Calvinist! This picture of T&G (Tulip & Grenade) was found in an Arminian magazine entitled, "It's My Choice Monthly".
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
It is also called the robber crab or palm thief, because some coconut crabs are rumored to steal shiny items such as pots and silverware from houses and tents. There is one report from a fan of Calvinistic Cartoons, Bebo Stanks, who claims a coconut crab robbed him at gunpoint and stole his Honda Civic.
Friday, March 13, 2009
"Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles.
If you don't know the tune, I'm sure William Shatner
or Bishop Fulton Sheen recorded it at sometime...
The chosen one will be announced on Thursday, March 19th.
So put on your theological hats and start writing!
In case of a tie, the winner will be chosen by rock, paper, scissors.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I intend on posting that on my Facebook tonight when I get out of these coal mines I work in.
Hey! Don't forget to come back to my blog when you're finished!
by just answering this simple question:
Three deacons go to stay at the Terry Vines Motel located near the Puerto Rican Deacon Beacon Bible conference, and the man at the desk charges them $30.00 for a room.
They split the cost ten dollars each. Later the manager, Futon Williams, tells the desk man that he overcharged the men, that the actual cost should have been $25.00.
The manager gives the bellboy $5.00 and tells him to give it to the men.
The bellboy, however, decides to cheat the men and pockets $2.00, giving each of the men only one dollar.
Now each man has paid $9.00 to stay in the room and 3 x $9.00 = $27.00.
The bellboy has pocketed $2.00. $27.00 + $2.00 = $29.00
So where is the missing dollar?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Second place goes to Reformed Anon. Girl in Pain!
...and Ralph comes in seventh place!
I am beginning to think there is a professional writer among us!
Monday, March 9, 2009
You B D Winner!
(keep it really short) if you need to and a caption below.
The winner will be announced on Friday, March 13th.
Hint: print this out and carry it with you wherever you go. You might want to invent a contraption that will keep the picture in front of your face while your hands are free to write down ideas. Just don't do what Ibby Loman, of MacMooble, Nevada did and paste it on the windshield of your automobile obstructing the view of the highway.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
painting, cartwheel, meteor, aspirin
The winner will be announced on March 10th
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
"Shalom, my friend!" I yelled, "Are you a laborer hired by my cousin, Farfel? He owns this section of land you know."
I was not more than twenty feet of this tall fellow when I noticed tulips sprouting up at an unbelievable pace. By the time I was near him, an entire garden of tulips, tomatoes and turnips had grown up and fully ripened.
It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.
"Sir, who are you? What kind of man does these things?"
"Baklava Koos Koos, I am not now nor have ever been a man…and this garden is for you."
Then I realized the truth as I sat down and began eating a juicy red tomato.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Please don't take offense at the humor on this blog. If you are Christian, you are my brothers and/or sisters and we should be able to share a laugh together once in a while. If there were an Arminian cartoon blog in existence, I would certainly read it from time to time. But, to my knowledge, none exists! I even have a pretty good working title: "Arminian Antics". Okay, maybe not so good…the point is, you need to lighten up a little and enjoy life. I joke about every denomination here including my own. I use humor to poke fun at both Arminians and Calvinists and every degree in between. I don't expect everyone to agree with me 100%. But, please, take the time to understand what I am trying to do here.
I received the following letter from an Arminian pastor, Rev. Ion Plink, minister of the Church of the Coconut Grove in Fresno:
I urge you to use that free will God gave you and oppose your own postings. Jimmy Swaggart once said that Calvinistic Cartoons was one of the signs of the coming of Armageddon. I am concerned about your narrow scope and your trivial pursuit of the "hee hee ha ha's" as brother Hinn used to say.
Your thoughtless rantings and ravings have reached the nostils of God and He just might make you lose your salvation. I, myself, know that I can pray and it will be so. I have some of the keys of the kingdom in my coat pocket upstairs and believe me…I know how to use them!
Let me put it bluntly, if you continue to cause division in the sheepfold, I will pray you into either a local hospital or have you trapped inside a cave at Six Flags Over Texas. Your choice.
A man of Charismata and conviction,
Rev. Ion Plink
Now I ask you readers, is this truly a "Christian" attitude? Where is the love I ask ya? This is "sloppy agape" to say the least! He has said he will never read my blog again but, I can track who does…and he reads it every single day. Sounds a little hypocritical to me. This charismatic preacher sent me a box of plastic tongues two days later, with a note that read, "this is the only "gift of tongues" you'll ever get!"
That wouldn't be so bad if he had not sent a large box the very next day with 40 crushed tulips and a note that said, "These smashed tulips are for a sign unto thee…if I see you peeking in our church window or trying to walk through the front door…I will smash YOUR two lips brother man!"
I know there must be some non-Calvinists, some inconsistant Calvinists, some 4 or 3 point Arminians out there who would join our group. I beseech you, band with us and make this world a better place. A place where wee Calvinists can play their bagpipes freely and wee Arminians can laugh with joy whenever an EvangeCube bounces off their noggin. The birds will sing again and butterflies will form colorful words in the sky. Words of friendship and peace. Words of wisdom. In a language nobody can read.
I thank you.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
My thanks to Taco Gibson for this obvious "rip-off" of my character at Calvinistic Cartoons. This is an obvious plot by an Arminian to cash in on my fictional creation. They know I follow the Bible and will not take a fellow Christian to court to sue him. Yes, I know who you are, Mr. Kanker Lipman and Mr. Yahee Stooker! A pox on your houses! (Then you will really need those bandages)...when you get to Heaven...I plan on taking you down with a full-nelson, a half-nelson, and if need be, a Ricky Nelson! Selah.