Friday, February 27, 2009

Little Known Quotes from Spiritual Giants part 5

"Jack the Ripper? No constable, I have never heard of him." - C. H. Spurgeon

"Yes, I had that tattoo removed months ago!"- John Owen

"I've been thinking about writing a Christian mystery novel." - John Calvin

"I need a stamp."- Cornelius Van Til

"Is that pudding on my jacket?"- A. A. Hodge

"I can't babysit tonight. I really need the time to finish my book."- Augustine

"That is the best gravy I have ever tasted!"- B. B. Warfield

"Yes, I plan on writing some scripts for the Lone Ranger. Why?" - C. S. Lewis

"Y'know the Boston Baked Beans candy? That was my idea first." - Thomas Boston

"I really love good music! Listen to this, it's by Slim Whitman."- R. C. Sproul

"Kill that spider! I hate spiders! Kill it!"- William Carey

"No, I won't paint this church house pink!"- A. W. Pink

"Look! I have just invented Pope on a Rope Soap! haha"- Martin Luther

"...and barber, please cut the hair growing on my ears."- Jonathan Edwards

"No, I wasn't looking at you...I was looking at him. It's my eyes y'know." - George Whitefield

"How many people here know my birthday falls on the same day as Spurgeons?"- John MacArthur

Fan Photo from Oscar Yeeky

Thanks Oscar for the photo of the 1909 ad from Eternal Life magazine. Proof that Calvinists had their own specially made vehicles back in the early part of the 20th century.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Real Fan Photo

Our newest member, Michael Hampton, sent this photo his wife, Karen, had taken while they were driving in Oklahoma. This is the very first REAL fan photo sent to me. Michael and Karen, this just might qualify both of you for a $100,000 cash giveaway somewhere. I don't know exactly where that would be, but if you locate that $100,000 cash giveaway, please let me know so I can enter also. Thanks for the kind words and the photo! It's a doozy!

Chic & Gumbo

WANTED More Comments

The comments I receive here are GREAT! I read and re-read them every day. They give this blog the atmosphere it needs. So for the month of March, the one who comments the most will receive a certificate as best blog blabber for the month of March. Thank you all in advance. And I would like to thank those that have tuffed it out here. You are all special to me. joke.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Lyrical Miracle Contest # 5

In this contest you need to come up with words to match the tune,
"The Itsy Bitsy Spider".
If you don't know the tune, I'm sure Frank Sinatra
or George Beverly Shea recorded it at sometime...
you might check YouTube or Google it. (just kidding)
The chosen one will be announced on Sunday, March 1st.
So put on your theological hats and start writing!
In case of a tie, the winner will be chosen by the casting of lots.

Every Member a Voter

Caption Contest Winner #10

Congratulations Mr. Nelson!

Random Word Writing Contest #4

Write a paragraph or two using the following random words:
coffee, balloon, Narnia, crime
Entries may be any form of creatively written expression. Just be funny.
And give your piece a TITLE.
The winner will be announced on Saturday, February 28th
and will be awarded a
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Lookalike Contest Winner

Announcing the winner of Calvinistic Cartoons'
"Eddie Eddings Lookalike" Contest!
Full-time Calvinist, Vernon T. Moison, of Kidneybean, Illinois, has won two subscriptions to the new magazine for 5-Pointers, "High Five Jive". Watch for your two copies to start arriving this week!

Fan Photo from Papa J. Feeny

Thanks for the magazine P.J., I wrote one of the stories and they didn't even send me a copy!

Calling All Calvinists!

Any true blue, Theocentric, God-fearing Calvinists out there? We need Calvinists who will persevere in a humor-oriented, sometimes straight to the heart relevant blog! We need 5-Pointers who have that love for Truth and love for comedic connections who are not afraid to stand up and say, "I am a Calvinist, not by choice, but by Grace!" Join with me and I will promise you this - - when I find that kind of blog, I will let all of you know.

Someone is killing Calvinists

This morning I had 42, it's down to 40. The only explanation possible, once again, is murder. Someone out there is on the loose! I have contacted the CIA, the FBI, the BBC, AARP, RCA, NBC and a CEO. I only hope they catch this fiend before the roster drops to 39.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Little Known Quotes from Spiritual Giants part 4

"Oh yeah, it's Saturday night...I had better prepare my sermon for tomorrow!" - C. H. Spurgeon

"Where did I leave my pen?" - John Owen

"Do you not know how to play Tic Tac Toe?" - John Calvin

"Yes dear, you can have a bite of my ice cream cone." - Cornelius Van Til

"Father, my birthday is right around the corner, y'know." - A. A. Hodge

"No more, please, I have had plenty of pancakes today!" - Augustine

"Students, I'm taking Thursday and Friday off!" - B. B. Warfield

"Yes, I plan on writing some sketches for the Colgate Comedy Hour. Why?" - C. S. Lewis

"Ironically, I have never been to Boston." - Thomas Boston

"How about calling our magazine, 'Tabletalk'...after all, Luther is dead!"- R. C. Sproul

"Would someone please help me hang this tire to that tree limb?" - William Carey

"Oh no...It's Arminian Day in Canada!" - A. W. Pink

"I don't think you want to hear what I think about the Pope." - Martin Luther

"Hey there, Chief Rain-on-the-Neck." - Jonathan Edwards

"John Wesley, you have been eating onions and garlic again haven't you?!" - George Whitefield

"I am up for a game of Battleship...any takers?" - John MacArthur

Slumdog Calvinist

My thanks to Cyst Monroe for sending me this movie poster.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Fan Photo from Angst Beopleman

Thanks for the photo, Angst Beopleman of Tumortown, Wisconsin! We will be sending you a free subscription to the new monthly Christian detective magazine, "The Calvinistic Crime Control Center Chronicles". The hard-hitting anthology of Calvinist criminologists who help rid the world of crime, one sin at a time!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Not Just Head Knowledge

This old newspaper report was sent in by Samuel Moops who sold these hats door-to-door back in the 1930's.

Friday, February 20, 2009

A Sneak Peek

For the first time on any blog anywhere! A preview of the comic strip right below it!

T & G #1

Everyone needs to "BLOW THIS UP!" ...otherwise, it will be difficult to read.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #10

Here is another photo "ledge-end". The winner will be announced on February 25th

Reformation Wall Contest

...and win a FREE WEEK!

We'll send you any seven days from the month of your choice.
This offer good only north of the international date line.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Fan Photo from Ike Lopez

Longtime fan, Ike Lopez, discovered this ad in an ancient issue of The Saturday Evening Post-Millennialist he found in an abandoned bounce castle. He sent this photo to me with a small note asking for twenty dollars and a bag of pork rinds. I am only too happy to send financial aid to those who take the time to find evidence of Cotton Adams' amazing inventions or creations. My research is limited to his journals. His soft drink formula has been lost, but Calvinistic "formula" for preaching the Word is still with us to this day! (note to Ike: I taped the twenty to a postcard and sent it your way this morning. The bag of rinds should arrive at your house in a few days. Thanks again.)

Friday, February 13, 2009

Church Discipline

Letter Selected at Random

Dear Sir,
Are you the same Eddie Eddings who was a Gold Medal track winner in the 1976 Olympics that was held in Montreal, Canada and the gentleman who annonymously helped with the notes in the ESV Bible? Are you the same Eddie Eddings who helped the C.I.A. break several codes and the E. Eddings whom Spurgeon's descendants said, "It's like seeing our great-grandfather in the flesh!" and the same Eddie Eddings who saved several surfers from death by fighting off sharks with his bare fists?
Just wonderin',
Chadwick Mifflin

Dear Chadwick,
Well, shucks, what can I say?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Fan Photo from "Shotgun" Davis

Thanks to "Shotgun" Davis who sent in this photo he took at the "Wok and Roll" restaurant in Skeeterville, Oklahoma.

Coffee House #2

The concept is a simple one. I take my recorder into a coffee house somewhere on the planet and secretly tape conversations. Then I decide which is the most interesting and edit it to fit by blog. These are candid moments from the mouths of unsuspecting strangers all over the globe. This is my second attempt and I traveled to Kon-Tiki, Montana. The coffee house is called "Sacred Grounds". I will again be very careful to refer to each person generically to maintain their anonymity.

Male #1: Hank, how much do you know about the Bible?
Male #2: I know a little bit, Tom…just enough to be dangerous (ha ha)..
Male #1: Do you know anything about secret codes?
Male #2: You mean, like, video game cheat codes?
Male #1: No, like hidden codes, military spy stuff.
Male #2: I'm a big fan of espionage movies! I think I could crack a secret code if I had enough time.
Male #1: Well, I found this Bible that is either written in another language or it contains some kind of mystery code…I'm just not sure which.

Male #2: Where did you find it?
Male #1: It was left "accidentally" at a bus stop. No one was around, so I took it!
Male #2: Well, Mr. Heever, let's take a look at it.
Male #1: Here it is. Be careful…I keep it in this box, it's underneath the Superman comic.
Male #2: Well, the cover is in English!
Male #1: That's just it! Open it up and look inside!
Male #2: I see what you mean! I don't recognize this kind of lettering…uh, I'm thinking we should inform the FBI or the CIA.
Male #1: So you think it's in code or something?
Male #2: Tom…it has to be!
Male #1: Well, Hank Lupis, it DOESN"T have to be! This could be one of those "Russian" Bibles!
Male #2: No, it ain't Russian, I tell ya! The COVER is in ENGLISH! It's some kind of SECRET CODE!
Male #1: Hey! Wait a second! It's upside down! It's in English all right. The printer must have goofed and printed the cover upside down!

Male #2: …shhhh!...that's even better! Don't you SEE?! This could be worth millions…like a U.S. stamp that's printed wrong…We need to wait ten or eleven years to make sure the original plates have been destroyed…then sell it to the highest bidder! We'll be in all the newspapers! We'll be on national television! We'll be filthy RICH! We'll be FAMOUS!
Male #1: …what do you mean "WE"?

It was at that moment that the CIA, the FBI and AARP came in and ordered a cup of coffee with a hint of butter pecan.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Letter to Calvinistic Cartoons

Because of space limitations, we must by necessity post only those comments that are of the widest interest and most applicable to the problems of the day.

Dear Eddie,
I love your site. You're really something. What talent!
Your brother-in-law.
Herbie Plankton


Fan Photo from Juan Sean Kapur

The Open T-Church of Tangwallow, New Mexico

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

CC's 40th Member

Congratulations Sir Brass
for being the 40th human being
to become part of Calvinistic Cartoons!
You get free reign of this blog until midnight!

Baklava Koos Koos #7

In the thirtieth year, in the fifth month, on the second day, during the seventh hour, while I was with King Donovan, by the Caloric River in the land of the Cellulites, I saw an angel pick up a chunk of land the size of Petra and throw it into the sun!

"Why do you do this O' mighty angel?" I asked.

"Just keep moving humanite and don't ask questions." He said as he lifted yet another parcel of earth, "I've got my orders."

King Donovan held up his arms and shouted,
"I will give the orders around here! You will give Baklava the answ..."

With blinding speed the King was propelled into the middle of the Caloric River!

The angel turned to me and said, "He will eat grass, like a spotted goat, for the next six weeks. When he regains his sanity, tell him his throne will be eaten by termites and his golden locks will wither like a dead blossom in Lebanon."

"YOU tell him! I've got vacation plans!"

Before my words had ended, I felt myself taken up, as an eagle carries a carp, and dropped into the very same river!

The King and I swam to the opposite bank and watched as a valley was created by that industrious angel. Then the angel made what he called, a "parking lot" for horses and camels.

Two months later, King Donovan and I visited that valley once again. It was a beautiful sight to behold...and they now had "valley parking!"

Random Word Writing Contest #3

Writers! Create a paragraph or two
using the following random words:
fly, Noah, ice, light bulb
Entries may be poetry, prose, fiction, non-fiction (?), essays or interviews.
(or any other form of creatively written expression.)
And give your piece a TITLE.
The winner will be announced on February 16th and will be awarded a
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #9

Congratulations reformed squirrel!

Don your thinking caps, create a bit of Calvinistic humor (or Arminian humor even), and win yourself a colorful certificate!
You may want to print thousands and throw them out of a helicopter...or be humble and print only half of one.
The winner of THIS contest (along with the aforementioned certificate) gets to name forty seven insects that live in the Black Forest.
Of course, you will have to pay your own way to the Black Forest...but, once you get there you can start naming!
Look for the winner on February 16. I thank thee.

Lyrical Miracle Contest #4

Okay gang, I'm going to make it an easy one this time.
And you get a choice of 3 tunes to choose from:

Baa Baa Black Sheep,
the Alphabet Song,
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Just have a theological view on something, keep it clean, shake hands and come out fighting! (fighting in the sense of spiritual warfare).
The winner of this match will be announced on Monday, February 16

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Selling Fast

Play along with your favorite Christian bands,
adding your own unique sounds!
Features over 50 hot songs from Newsboys, Casting Crowns, tobyMac, Slim Whitefield,
Veggie Tales, Jon Gibson, Hoot Gibson,
and a wee bit more!
Bonus: 10 new hip-hop hits from 2008!
Also look for Banjo Hero and Accordion Hero!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Fan Photo from Eula Wedge

Things were actually going quite nicely at the merger of the Methodist Outdoor Church near the Sleeping Anancondas and the Lutheran Outside Church of the Massive Cyst until someone threw an EvangeCube!

Idols R Us, Inc.

Eddie's Advice Column #2

Dear Eddie,
In your "Restaurant" post you mentioned "vomit". That is just too disgusting for a Christian blog. What's wrong with you? Do you think that's funny or something? Aren't you supposed to be an example to our youth and the people who work in finance? You make me sick with your moronic humor. Even if the Bible mentions "vomit" I don't think YOU should bring it up! I didn't mean that last statement as a pun...I just couldn't contain myself. You spew this kind of mess and expect ME to become a follower? I wouldn't follow you if you were going to Jack in the Box for a free spicy chicken sandwich and a coke!
Myrtle Floy-Floy

Dear Myrtle,
Why the dramamine? I can't please everyone y'know! I throw up my hands! ...and you know how painful THAT can be. My advice to you is to cut down on the caffeine and relax a little. Then eat an entire box of Ho-Ho's and a bowl of spinach. Jog in place for fifteen minutes...who knows what will come up after that.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Lyrical Miracle Contest #3

I need to post these separate from the winner spot. . . so this time,
Just think Jed Clampett and Biblical theology and you might get inspired.
(you can place your song at either location - I check both before I put in the transmission fluid)

Not the Best Place

Bloggers Need Comments!

I speak on behalf of Christian bloggers everywhere when I say, comments are just about all the encouragement we get! It's the cheese on the Sacred Sandwich...the banana in the Sacred Banana Split...the letters in the Sacred Alphabet Soup. We all need 'em. I know. . . the ultimate satisfaction comes from knowing we have blessed someone with a laugh or two. But, we don't know unless somebody tells us! I think all bloggers check their blogs daily (hourly) for a little note about their work. All I am give blogs a chance.
When I get older, losing my hair...many years from now...would you still be writing comments on my blog...
sorry, got caught up in some Beatle memories. Anyway, this wasn't my idea to write this...Angus paid me plenty to post it.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Coffee House #1

The concept is a simple one. I take my recorder into a coffee house somewhere on the planet and secretly tape conversations. Then I decide which is the most interesting and edit it to fit by blog. These are candid moments from the mouths of unsuspecting strangers all over the globe. This is my first attempt and I traveled to a seedy part of Chicago. The coffee house is called "SCARbucks". It is a lot like Starbucks, only rougher. I will refer to each person generically to maintain anonymity.

Male: "I am really glad to see you. Hope this place wasn't too hard to find!"
Female: "No, I just had a little trouble finding a parking spot."
Male: "Have you told him yet?"
Female: ". . . Who is that guy over there? Do you know him?"
Male: "What guy?!"
Female: "The one pretending to read the Bible...see him? He has a recorder on the table and he is pointing the microphone in our direction!"
Male: "HEY YOU!"
Me: "Are you talking to me?"
Male: "Yeah...are you recording our conversation?"
Me: "Maybe..."
Male: "Do you see this scalding hot Guatemala House Blend I'm holding in my hand?"
Me: "Maybe..."
Male: "Well, if you don't get out of here right now you are going to have this in your face!"
Me: "Sir, I am a man of peace. I am going to post this on my blog. It's called Calvinistic Cartoons. Ever heard of it?"
Male: " get going!"
Me: "I'm not finished yet...and it's a free country!"
Male: "I warned you!"
Me: "AAAAAAAIIIIiiiiiiiiiii THAT'S HOT!! ARE YOU CRAZY? AAAAAAIIIiiiii yiiiiii" you can see, my first try didn't go so well. I hope to do better next time. See ya then!

Random Word Writing Contest #2

A new day brings a new challenge!
Write a paragraph or two using the following random words:
warts, Eskimo, box, jump
Entries may be poetry, prose, fiction, essays or interviews. (or any other form of creatively written expression.) Just be funny. And give your piece a TITLE. The winner will be announced on February 9th and will be awarded a Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award. I would wish you all good luck if I were not a Calvinist.

Random Word Writing Award #1

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