Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
"Yes, I had that tattoo removed months ago!"- John Owen
"I've been thinking about writing a Christian mystery novel." - John Calvin
"I need a stamp."- Cornelius Van Til
"Is that pudding on my jacket?"- A. A. Hodge
"I can't babysit tonight. I really need the time to finish my book."- Augustine
"That is the best gravy I have ever tasted!"- B. B. Warfield
"Yes, I plan on writing some scripts for the Lone Ranger. Why?" - C. S. Lewis
"Y'know the Boston Baked Beans candy? That was my idea first." - Thomas Boston
"I really love good music! Listen to this, it's by Slim Whitman."- R. C. Sproul
"Kill that spider! I hate spiders! Kill it!"- William Carey
"No, I won't paint this church house pink!"- A. W. Pink
"Look! I have just invented Pope on a Rope Soap! haha"- Martin Luther
"...and barber, please cut the hair growing on my ears."- Jonathan Edwards
"No, I wasn't looking at you...I was looking at him. It's my eyes y'know." - George Whitefield
"How many people here know my birthday falls on the same day as Spurgeons?"- John MacArthur
Thanks Oscar for the photo of the 1909 ad from Eternal Life magazine. Proof that Calvinists had their own specially made vehicles back in the early part of the 20th century.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The comments I receive here are GREAT! I read and re-read them every day. They give this blog the atmosphere it needs. So for the month of March, the one who comments the most will receive a certificate as best blog blabber for the month of March. Thank you all in advance. And I would like to thank those that have tuffed it out here. You are all special to me. really...no joke.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
coffee, balloon, Narnia, crime
The winner will be announced on Saturday, February 28th
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
"Where did I leave my pen?" - John Owen
"Do you not know how to play Tic Tac Toe?" - John Calvin
"Yes dear, you can have a bite of my ice cream cone." - Cornelius Van Til
"Father, my birthday is right around the corner, y'know." - A. A. Hodge
"No more, please, I have had plenty of pancakes today!" - Augustine
"Students, I'm taking Thursday and Friday off!" - B. B. Warfield
"Yes, I plan on writing some sketches for the Colgate Comedy Hour. Why?" - C. S. Lewis
"Ironically, I have never been to Boston." - Thomas Boston
"How about calling our magazine, 'Tabletalk'...after all, Luther is dead!"- R. C. Sproul
"Would someone please help me hang this tire to that tree limb?" - William Carey
"Oh no...It's Arminian Day in Canada!" - A. W. Pink
"I don't think you want to hear what I think about the Pope." - Martin Luther
"Hey there, Chief Rain-on-the-Neck." - Jonathan Edwards
"John Wesley, you have been eating onions and garlic again haven't you?!" - George Whitefield
"I am up for a game of Battleship...any takers?" - John MacArthur
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Thanks for the photo, Angst Beopleman of Tumortown, Wisconsin! We will be sending you a free subscription to the new monthly Christian detective magazine, "The Calvinistic Crime Control Center Chronicles". The hard-hitting anthology of Calvinist criminologists who help rid the world of crime, one sin at a time!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Are you the same Eddie Eddings who was a Gold Medal track winner in the 1976 Olympics that was held in Montreal, Canada and the gentleman who annonymously helped with the notes in the ESV Bible? Are you the same Eddie Eddings who helped the C.I.A. break several codes and the E. Eddings whom Spurgeon's descendants said, "It's like seeing our great-grandfather in the flesh!" and the same Eddie Eddings who saved several surfers from death by fighting off sharks with his bare fists?
Well, shucks, what can I say?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Male #1: Hank, how much do you know about the Bible?
Male #2: I know a little bit, Tom…just enough to be dangerous (ha ha)..
Male #1: Do you know anything about secret codes?
Male #2: You mean, like, video game cheat codes?
Male #1: No, like hidden codes, military spy stuff.
Male #2: I'm a big fan of espionage movies! I think I could crack a secret code if I had enough time.
Male #1: Well, I found this Bible that is either written in another language or it contains some kind of mystery code…I'm just not sure which.
Male #2: Where did you find it?
Male #1: It was left "accidentally" at a bus stop. No one was around, so I took it!
Male #2: Well, Mr. Heever, let's take a look at it.
Male #1: Here it is. Be careful…I keep it in this box, it's underneath the Superman comic.
Male #2: Well, the cover is in English!
Male #1: That's just it! Open it up and look inside!
Male #2: I see what you mean! I don't recognize this kind of lettering…uh, I'm thinking we should inform the FBI or the CIA.
Male #1: So you think it's in code or something?
Male #2: Tom…it has to be!
Male #1: Well, Hank Lupis, it DOESN"T have to be! This could be one of those "Russian" Bibles!
Male #2: No, it ain't Russian, I tell ya! The COVER is in ENGLISH! It's some kind of SECRET CODE!
Male #1: Hey! Wait a second! It's upside down! It's in English all right. The printer must have goofed and printed the cover upside down!
Male #2: …shhhh!...that's even better! Don't you SEE?! This could be worth millions…like a U.S. stamp that's printed wrong…We need to wait ten or eleven years to make sure the original plates have been destroyed…then sell it to the highest bidder! We'll be in all the newspapers! We'll be on national television! We'll be filthy RICH! We'll be FAMOUS!
Male #1: …what do you mean "WE"?
It was at that moment that the CIA, the FBI and AARP came in and ordered a cup of coffee with a hint of butter pecan.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I love your site. You're really something. What talent!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
In the thirtieth year, in the fifth month, on the second day, during the seventh hour, while I was with King Donovan, by the Caloric River in the land of the Cellulites, I saw an angel pick up a chunk of land the size of Petra and throw it into the sun!
"Why do you do this O' mighty angel?" I asked.
"Just keep moving humanite and don't ask questions." He said as he lifted yet another parcel of earth, "I've got my orders."
King Donovan held up his arms and shouted,
"I will give the orders around here! You will give Baklava the answ..."
With blinding speed the King was propelled into the middle of the Caloric River!
The angel turned to me and said, "He will eat grass, like a spotted goat, for the next six weeks. When he regains his sanity, tell him his throne will be eaten by termites and his golden locks will wither like a dead blossom in Lebanon."
"YOU tell him! I've got vacation plans!"
Before my words had ended, I felt myself taken up, as an eagle carries a carp, and dropped into the very same river!
The King and I swam to the opposite bank and watched as a valley was created by that industrious angel. Then the angel made what he called, a "parking lot" for horses and camels.
Two months later, King Donovan and I visited that valley once again. It was a beautiful sight to behold...and they now had "valley parking!"
fly, Noah, ice, light bulb
The winner will be announced on February 16th and will be awarded a
Calvinistic Cartoons Excellence in Random Word Writing Award.
The winner of THIS contest (along with the aforementioned certificate) gets to name forty seven insects that live in the Black Forest.
Of course, you will have to pay your own way to the Black Forest...but, once you get there you can start naming!
Look for the winner on February 16. I thank thee.
Baa Baa Black Sheep,
Just have a theological view on something, keep it clean, shake hands and come out fighting! (fighting in the sense of spiritual warfare).
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
adding your own unique sounds!
Features over 50 hot songs from Newsboys, Casting Crowns, tobyMac, Slim Whitefield,
Bonus: 10 new hip-hop hits from 2008!
Also look for Banjo Hero and Accordion Hero!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
In your "Restaurant" post you mentioned "vomit". That is just too disgusting for a Christian blog. What's wrong with you? Do you think that's funny or something? Aren't you supposed to be an example to our youth and the people who work in finance? You make me sick with your moronic humor. Even if the Bible mentions "vomit" I don't think YOU should bring it up! I didn't mean that last statement as a pun...I just couldn't contain myself. You spew this kind of mess and expect ME to become a follower? I wouldn't follow you if you were going to Jack in the Box for a free spicy chicken sandwich and a coke!
Why the dramamine? I can't please everyone y'know! I throw up my hands! ...and you know how painful THAT can be. My advice to you is to cut down on the caffeine and relax a little. Then eat an entire box of Ho-Ho's and a bowl of spinach. Jog in place for fifteen minutes...who knows what will come up after that.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
When I get older, losing my hair...many years from now...would you still be writing comments on my blog...
sorry, got caught up in some Beatle memories. Anyway, this wasn't my idea to write this...Angus paid me plenty to post it.
Monday, February 2, 2009
The concept is a simple one. I take my recorder into a coffee house somewhere on the planet and secretly tape conversations. Then I decide which is the most interesting and edit it to fit by blog. These are candid moments from the mouths of unsuspecting strangers all over the globe. This is my first attempt and I traveled to a seedy part of Chicago. The coffee house is called "SCARbucks". It is a lot like Starbucks, only rougher. I will refer to each person generically to maintain anonymity.
Male: "I am really glad to see you. Hope this place wasn't too hard to find!"
Female: "No, I just had a little trouble finding a parking spot."
Male: "Have you told him yet?"
Female: ". . . Who is that guy over there? Do you know him?"
Male: "What guy?!"
Female: "The one pretending to read the Bible...see him? He has a recorder on the table and he is pointing the microphone in our direction!"
Male: "HEY YOU!"
Me: "Are you talking to me?"
Male: "Yeah...are you recording our conversation?"
Male: "Do you see this scalding hot Guatemala House Blend I'm holding in my hand?"
Male: "Well, if you don't get out of here right now you are going to have this in your face!"
Me: "Sir, I am a man of peace. I am going to post this on my blog. It's called Calvinistic Cartoons. Ever heard of it?"
Male: "No...now get going!"
Me: "I'm not finished yet...and it's a free country!"
Male: "I warned you!"
Me: "AAAAAAAIIIIiiiiiiiiiii THAT'S HOT!! ARE YOU CRAZY? AAAAAAIIIiiiii yiiiiii"
...as you can see, my first try didn't go so well. I hope to do better next time. See ya then!
Write a paragraph or two using the following random words: